Stood behind the door, I heard her telling the consultant before she wrapped up and left the room...
“Finally, my last bag.”
That tone was full of tiredness.
Full of 無奈。
And I don’t know why that line hit me very deeply.
It ticked.
I went back to the room an hour or so later, so to give her some heads up as I wanted to do some procedure for her.
She was in midst of a skin biopsy.
Her fist was clenched.
Her expression was trying to put up a brave front even though she seemed to be in a lot of fear and pain.
Sometimes, at such moment, I really wished I could shoulder some pain with her if not for her.
Without another word, I slipped my hand into hers, hoping that it can give her some strength.
And...
She started crying.
I was having a very bad morning.
Despite of a friend just delivered, my sister-in-law’s uncle just met a car accident, hit, flew and dead. And I was very disturbed by another line that was blocked, with work piling up and I was pissed also for being accused of not doing something when the thing came was way past my work hours.
Then I asked myself...
What more should I have asked for?
Remember we were at Senso-ji and I was telling Shun about the terrible bad lot I have drawn 12 years ago, and life was just very rocky.
Shun asked, “you are here on your feet, isn’t it good enough?”
Now it hit.
Looking at her, things are beyond control...
What more should I say?
How can I even complain?
Am I so blessed that I have forgotten how to say thank you?
Am I not appreciative enough?
I wasn’t very okay the night before, because I was very disturbed by the things happening in the clinical area.
There was a lot of fear in there I can feel it.
And...
Somehow the line ring in my head...
“It’s okay not to be okay.”
But don’t stay in that zone for too long.
Somehow, I am not comfortable to be reminded through other people’s suffering.
But...
It is also what makes me better.
