Just that I couldn't walk away without penning down things that I have learnt today which I really think that it is important.
I bet the devilish power around me is very strong, lotsa things and changes is taking place in my life lately and seriously, it is a little too much to take so much at one go, besides tiring it is DRAINING.
I don't want to admit, it is not exactly a voice but there is definitely something that is pushing me over the wall, THAT wall literally.
But...
In all...
I am grateful.
Today's sermon was of help, great help? Well, may be.
Speaks a lot about sermon lately, yet if you were in my shoes going through what I have been and am going through, you probably will be able to see the values in them.
I am not and do not want to think again about whatever that had happened.
There was a period of time that I just want to be alone, I do not want to even approach anyone or talk to anybody about it. I felt like a sponge just absorbing whatever I can or cannot, keeping it all in and just feel that there is no point in talking about it. I mean, seriously, so what if I tell another being? What can they help me with?
To the point that even trusting another person to want, have time and is interested to listen to all my rantings seems so hard.
I am laughing and living normally, or... Pretending to be absolute normal as though nothing happened, but the weigh is there, that voice was there.
There was something that keep telling me that I need to be on my own be strong and I can only be on my own, despite of knowing His presence and I kept praying.
See where I have pushed myself to?
Been having loadsa people telling me lately not to push myself so hard.
And I was really wondering what makes them feel so, from my Mom, Jocelyn, Selene, my classmates and even that one that I "secretly named" him as my "predictor" all told me not to push myself further.
Am I really that harsh?
I don't know what gave them that idea.
Anyway.
Today's sermon...
Whatever that happens, it should be effortless, something that Mong told me before.
I am just a branch of a vine tree, God is the vine.
If things are not growing well, leaves not blooming, fruits not bearing, why should I blame myself?
It is not the branch's fault and not the branch's responsibility.
In short, it is not telling us to be irresponsible, but rather, there is no need for us to carry the world on our shoulder. (And there comes that "Hey Jude" song twirling in my mind now.) The Pastor used the analogy of taking a plane ride to illustrate, as we are the passengers, we don't control the plane, God does. And seriously, for us who do travel, who will see the who exactly is flying the plane? Yet we took the flight and believe that the pilot would take us to somewhere?
The more we struggle for the vine to give us more energy, the more trouble we would find. In other words, it is not to seek, but to BELIEVE.
There is no need to pray for strength, no need to pray for wisdom, for they are all there waiting for us to realize them. We have them all along. It is not say you ask for it from God and He will pour a pail of it unto you.
Faith, is all we need.
We don't feel life, we believe in life.
Feelings, are just words of devil who is whispering next to your ears giving you pain and suffering.
Faith, is healing.
Believe in God's plan for you.
So...
The patch on the arm... I shouldn't worry anymore, He will handle.
The surgery and the hypotrophic tissue... He will handle.
Things between us.... He will handle.
He will give me a best solution, with no pain, guide us to a better place.
For I BELIEVE.
PS. And again, I trust whoever seeing this is not going to talk to my parents about it.
Cannot stop listening to this song ever after since my friend sent me 2 days ago.
Selene told me today that the patch seemed to have grown bigger.
I can't see it very well since it is at quite a difficult angle.
I can only be patient for now and monitor the size, hopefully it is not growing anymore, otherwise...
Mama and Papa has yet to discover the patch yet, I really hope that it can be gone before they noticed it, for if it can be gotten rid of, then there is no issue, if it doesn't, then I would be in trouble.
I really am clueless where and how I have got it.
It was just a weirdly strange sharp pain and that was how I noticed it, like a part screaming for attention.
If it is positive, it is probably auto-immune, there is nothing I can do but to hope for the best.
It felt just like an alarm being ticked off.
All that I can do, is to pray that it won't spread further, and it will not progress to something serious.
Now I have to think of what to tell my parents should they noticed that.
Why again?
Is this what is called restoration?
All the bad things that happened before are coming back?
Probably I have changed a lot again this time when I meet up with her, she did ask me like "won't you feel that it is a shame for that?"
My answer to her was that certain things, if it is the time for it to happen, it will happen, or it will bound to happen; If it meant to be it meant to be, by hanging onto it will only cause more pain and suffering, why should I make myself miserable?
It IS a shame.
But because I don't exist on Earth alone, everything is interlinked and my sole effort won't make any difference.
And I suddenly remember Bernard Lian's lecture; if you put the most awful thing in your mouth you would automatically spit it out; then why hang onto things that will cause you nothing but pain? Why make your own self suffer?
I used to think that it is a shame in not trying.
I still do.
But...
When the pain and the hurtful feelings had touched the maximum that I can take, I just don't know how or rather, I am exhausted with reasons or excuses to continue to hoax myself on inflicting that pain is going to do any good to anyone.
Nothing is definite.
May be it is just like that old Singapore drama《出路》's song.
Always ask myself before I speak, is there any meaning in saying that.
Question again.
If you were asked to choose between these 2;
To magnify all emotions, meaning when you are happy you'll get double the joy, double the laughter on the price of the package coming with double the pain and double the hurtful feelings, double the tears and double the anger..
Against..
Not be able to feel anything at all, meaning you won't feel any sadness, hurtful feelings, pain, anger, rage; on the price of giving up the chance to feel joy and happiness...
What would you choose?
Me?
I'd rather remain status quo.
And that status quo is something for me to know only.
And the more I proceed, the more I realized that how little that I know.
Sigh.
Stress it is.
Yet hopefully I can just proceed on, well enough to be able to live up to what I will be given.
Anyway.
I can never ever face you again the same way I used to be.
Sometimes, I really do regret helping people, pulling people out from the pit they were in, and always always in return, I would lose something precious.
And it is happening again.
Then was Eliza when Ah Xiu and Nad both saw what happened.
Wow.
Eliza, name from the history.
I seriously not sure if this would stop me from pulling people out from their pit low in future; well, probably. Some people made me feel that they are just not worth helping.
Came across this article about some specialist discovered the real tomb of Jesus, which sort of like want to conclude that Jesus didn't rise from dead, He was rescued as some rumoured and ultimately lived to old age and (still) died. And I read the comments on how people are busy rubbing salt or busy fending for their beliefs.
The one that I remembered glancing through was that one guy commented, "it doesn't matter whether He rose from dead or not so long as I know His love never dies." (Something like that)
He heard my confusion that Mong texted me, so after much thoughts I asked Mong if that matters, I mean, whether did He died and rose from death, if it is really of any importance.
Thought she won't mind these details but apparently, it is significant to her.
Well, I kind of agree with that Internet guy that, so long as I know He love me, and He is here when I asked for Him and needed Him the most, that is all that matters.
But she said that if someone make the sacrifices and coming to life again, it meant that the price paid has been accepted by God.
Hmm.....
There I think the discussion needs no further. Yet, I still think that whether He came alive again, whether if He did defeated death, it doesn't matter, there are bound to have things that people cannot overcome. No shame. Also won't make me feel that there was less love.
Don't know eh.
Anyway it was just a news article, read for leisure, need not be too serious unless there is concrete proof, right?
Bite the teeth, no matter what you have to pull it through.
.
..
...
....
.....
Or rather...
This is the time to pause and think for the next direction.
I have questions.
Loads of them.
Of why making me penning down such vision for 2015.
What if...
I can't do it anymore?
Can I just go back on those words made?
Sometimes I asked...
Is it The Time has reached?
I wished.
I wished to know the answer.
I wished he could tell me more.
For I don't know how much more I can take.
Or would I be biting off my own teeth from the bearing.
I love flowers.
I love pink.
I'm dainty and dirty; not a trace.
I party till dawn,
I shop till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm a girl. And a beautiful one too.
The DIVA ♥
M A R I A ( N A D I A H )
M A R I A M ( F I O N E )
The GAMBLER Sagittarius.
AND
The PERFECTIONIST Virgo.
Seemingly impossible. BUT THEY WERE THE BEST FRIENDS.
Met in a Summer in 2002.
♥ LOVES CATS ♥.
Enjoys having Pizza together.
Go Wild in a KTV.
And will LOVE each other till time ends.
WISHLIST ♥
F O R M A R I A. A DEGREE.
F O R M A R I A M. Machu Picchu.
HER AUDIENCES ♥
They applauded her and gave her a standing ovation.
