Sometimes, it is hard to judge the value of certain things.
For instance, I would think that spending a hundred USD to take a helicopter is expensive while I feel that giving a close friend a gift of $100 is not.
Strange hor.
I guess it is always the meaning that is attached to the matter makes the whole thing different.
For someone who supports you through thick and thin, it is priceless.
Well, you can say that experiencing helicopter is different too.
Hmm...
May be, to me, what's more important is that my close friends are happy and loved, than myself to enjoy.
Bet so?
Life is always about choices.
I have 2 choices in front of me now, both come in package and of course there are things that I equally enjoy and I don't.
From the title above, i hope you realise i have a cat. A grossly spoilt rotten and spunky cat indeed. I've always wanted pets but because of the level of responsibility involved, i've shelved such ideas. Clean poop &/or pee. Feed. Repeat. It mirrored my routine in the ward which really, really, really wasn't enticing in the least bit.
Cue twilight zone theme.
When she first arrived, i wasn't exactly welcoming. She was this "thing" that intruded my space. And i didnt quite enjoy that. I'd pluck this little critter off the sofa and not allow her into rooms, especially on the beds because she sheds fur like a rug on chemotherapy. I named her Scaredy as in "scaredy cat" simply because she seemed so afraid of everything. She'd bolt and hide at the slightest noise. Jump at loud noises and dart into rooms whenever any one passed the door.
Paranoid lah this cat.
It made me wonder if she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder or having some repressed freudian issues to deal with. Everyone else, called her "meow meow". She never answers when called though.
Damned stuck up cat.
And then this silly cat fell out the window. Omfg. (Screams with wide eyes and pulls hair)
But that devastating incident was the pivotal turning point in our relationship. While nursing her back to health, i began to see her in a new light. So vulnerable and yet filled with such a burning desire to live. With each passing day, she taught me crazy lessons of what life should ultimately mean.
Here's some that i've had the honor to learn thus far.
1. Eat, sleep. Repeat.
Cats are infamous for sleeping extended hours. My cat sleeps at odd corners which basically translates into - everywhere she pleases. Toilet, bedroom, under the table, behind the console. Whatever. Doesn't make a much of a difference to her. She plops down where ever she pleases. While she used to be picky with food, now she accepts all types because she is hand fed. Yes, she is that spoilt! (Shakes fist at cat)
Scaredy sleeps and eats like a boss because she knows food nourishes the body while sleep rejuvenates the mind.
Bye bye eyebags!
2. Be a diva
What she likes, she'll let you know. And when she doesn't, she'll also unabashedly tell you. Tak malu lah ni kuching. Bought her a cute little house to sleep in but she never uses it. Bought her balls to play with but she just nervously eyes them from a distance. Bought her a whole wardrobe of clothes but she just flops on the floor, refusing to walk when i put them on her. If she doesn't want to be cuddled, she wiggles free. Idiot lah, this cat.
I ain't the boss of her.
She's not afraid to walk away from the things she doesn't favor. She'll come to you only when she feels like it. Likewise in life, i also should have the courage to do the same. It's both stifling and pointless to remain in situations that squeeze the life out of me. Many times, i accept a whole list of bad behavior because i'm afraid my refusal will cause others hurt. Only to end up injuring myself in the process. And material things, are well, just things.
Scaredy understands that there is more to life then mere material goods and has no qualms about walking away from bullshit.
My cat has more guts than me.
3. Bury your crap
Akin to a propeller on sand, she buries her poop after a good crap, sending her kitty litter flying in all directions. She never leaves until her poop is deeply buried. Hidden like a fossil deep six feet under. Then she dusts herself off and walks away like a champion.
Similarly, i should also have enough balls to bury crap and leave unscattered. There is no reason to allow myself to sink nose deep in crap, wallowing in self pity when things don't go as originally planned.
As they say, when one door closes, a window opens. My Scaredy knows crap should remain where it belongs - in the litter box.
4. Play
Scaredy plays with such fervor. She loves it when we shine the laser pointer around or blow bubbles. She chases them around the living room, jumping from the floor to furniture and skids across the rooms only to ram herself against doors. When she gets into a mood, she'll hijack my foot and gnaw my toes playfully. And some times, she likes to play with her ping pong balls alone.
Scaredy recognizes the importance of play. Both with others and by herself.
5. You can bounce back after a bad fall
After her horrific fall, Scaredy spent 8 long weeks recooperating. Her fractured pelvis, bleeding lung and post traumatic stress had scarred her badly, giving her night terrors. For the 1st two weeks, she was bedridden and constantly in pain. She didnt like being cuddled and would often groan in pain. She neither ate nor drank very much. She kept herself defensively curled up.
It was like she hated the world.
Gradually, she regained her strength and started to sit up again. And slowly with much reassurance, she began to accept us again. Now, she's Scaredy version 2.0. A much healthier and happier cat.
And once again, after her sterilization, she's bounced back to become even better. This time, she's version 2.1..!!
Scaredy knows you can repiece your life back together after adversity. What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger and she amazes me with her resilience.
6. Have moments for yourself
Scaredy like to sit on the edge of the sofa near the window. Peering up into the sky to watch the birds fly overhead or the children running around the playground below. She can sit there, stoic for hours. Moving only her head to track the moving objects she has choosen to observe. Its her little zen moment.
Scaredy appreciates little quiet times, savouring a self declared time-out just to watch the world zoom pass.
7. Be shameless with love
Whenever we come home, this little ball of fur greets us by sitting near the door. She stares up at us with her little chubby face and large round eyes then dramatically falls on her side, asking for a belly rub.
It's the cutest thing ever.
She'll sniff my socks when i come home after a night ride, not bothered by the smell that could potentially be classified biohazard. She just wants to show me some love. She doesn't care if i'm caked in dirt or spotlessly clean. She just wants to let me know that she's delighted to have me home.
I think its really great that she's so affectionate. She makes me want to go hug someone now. Heh.
So, there you have it. Scaredy is not just a cat. She is a cat with a mind of her own. And most importantly, she is family :)"
***********************************************
Admire the way she write all the time, I really think that this friend of mine should start publishing a book.
Anyway, yup, crap should remain in the litter box, that is where it belongs.
I know that certain songs draws a lot of negative energy but this is one of the few songs that will make my heart race and will go on and on in my head.
I love Miriam Yeung, just love the way she is being, always laughing and bubbly on screen.
After that song for something lighter.
《小飛俠》
作詞：于逸堯＠人山人海
作曲：蔡德才＠人山人海
編曲：蔡德才＠人山人海
合唱：楊千嬅/蔡德才
從前有個男孩夜裡說想約我於森林見面
原訂說愛談情卻碰巧天氣轉差颳風閃電
然後對話似被風雨間斷
被雨打濕了的手只懂抖顫 難道你是仙子
與我不相襯 累你受盡天譴
＊陪你活過一天 陪你坐過飛氈
陪你令我輕鬆 也令我極度心思紊亂
亂唱的歌也覺悅耳 亂拍的拖我也願試
害怕這樣會很留戀
陪你渡過春天 陪你渡過秋天
陪你直到冬天 卻怕與你沒法一起蛻變
若然開始 怎樣可免悲劇上演＊
凌晨與你細語詳談說起世間的感情幼嫩
然而我卻抬頭看滿天星宿沉默用心許願
流露傷感的眼只怕對望
(流露傷感的你只顧遠望)
害怕有天我將會飛得很遠
(在說有天你將會飛得很遠)
難道在你孤單困惱寂寞時
我再飛返你身邊 (你會飛返我身邊)
REPEAT＊
陪你活過這天 無法坐上飛氈
情況令我心酸 也令我極度思想錯亂
亂了的黑髮似為了 為了遮掩眼角淚濕了
結果證實我很留戀
陪你渡過春天 陪你渡過秋天
難過度到冬天你我到最後說不出再見
從頭開始 假若知道悲劇要演
我就不應抱怨 能回味也是暖
**********************************
Ran into Alice today and finally had a little bit of time for a small catch up.
Was teasing her about expecting a daughter and exclaiming that it would be disastrous when baby turned out to be like her.
She just went, "Yeah, character like you enough, others things like you will be disastrous."
Felt flattered.
Character like me?
Am I that good to be someone to look upon wishing that her daughter's character to be like me?
I wonder.
Alice... Not the type that I know will use beautiful words to make people happy, besides, there is no need for her to say nice things to me to achieve anything, I have nothing to give.
Not that I am asking for anyone to say nice things about me which I myself finds it hard to take also.
But...
...
...
...
Like me...
Is it good?
What is so good about my character when so many haters around?
What is so good when sometimes I also finds it hard to make peace with myself?
No matter what, thank you, like really, for that.
And I replied her as, "If she is like me then it would be a big issue."
Took sick leave yesterday and may be Twin is really right that I should just take it.
Lol.
Still feeling funny about how she has to upper caps the message to "warn" me not to go to work.
And then the whole afternoon checking if I have eaten, even today.
I didn't get to eat at all today and coming back home hugging my stomach.
*Frown*
The only thing I had was that pancake that I sneaked down to buy with Jiaming after meeting and on the way pity my two colleagues who were as busy, I picked one each for them.
Should still thank God for having the meeting. Imagine if I didn't have the meeting, I would go totally nothing at all, not even that pancake!
Lol.
Ain't we just pathetic? Was overjoyed because of that little pancake.
Well.
Still, I think it is important, that we know how to appreciate the little things and be happy.
Keep myself happy! Like what Twin said.
And thank goodness that I bought some cup noodles for my Hanoi trip, now it is the best time to take it before dinner.
I couldn't wait for Mom to come back tonight! Double meaning of course!
First MC of the Year 2015Never know that Polyclinic have this online appointment system which actually works and works well too!
Was really feeling terrible last night so went online to search and chanced upon this appointment system thing, thought of trying my luck and it is not too bad, in fact it was fantastic!
Imagine that from my appointment to see doctor get medicine and referral, it is only like 45minutes? On a Monday somemore where the queue can be horrible!
Worth that round of applause right?
Only thing is they seemed to have raised their price.
The price I paid is comparable to seeing GP.
Anyway.
It was really bad this round. Yesterday there was new pain that pulled till I have to stop walking for a second to ease it.
Sian.
Anyway.
Really have to thank Cheryl and Bib this time.
This Cheryl really chat with me till wee hours last night. Chased me and making sure that I got out of my bed to take the MMT by demanding for pictures of it as proof (where she learn that from man?); and Bib who was like suggesting things like probiotics to ease that feeling of choking.
Sometimes it's really strange how things progress. Though honestly, I have been warned that the group of people that you shouldn't easily trust are your colleagues but the constant warmth they gave, is very alluring. Hard to resist.
Now. I really need to find a comfortable position, which has been my constant struggle since last week. Sigh.
To just give it a go and stuff myself all the way till I just puke so as to hope to get rid of that feeling or to continue to pop PPI as and when I remember.
Hate this.
Just annoying.
Work is crazy.
Everyone works like mad.
Think of your boss working morning shift ended work later than you when you are on afternoon shift (and you ended work late), just that alone is horrifying.
So ultimately everything just rubbed in.
Fortunately out of all the misfortune, everyone is working with each other, as in you are seeing people crossing teams to help one another, that is probably the more comforting fact of all.
Was looking for something in my hard disk ended up browsing through my old pictures and a lot of old documents again.
There I begin to wonder...
How did I live through the period when you first left?
...
...
...
Cannot remember already.
Memory faded so fast.
It was dreadful then, time was so slow.
Now looking back so many little memos, scrap papers...
Couldn't find a tint of it.
...
...
...
When was the most painful period?
...
...
...
I also cannot remember.
Life, always acted in the strangest way.
Be thankful, that I am where I am today.
Without you.
******************************************************
But to see 3 angry ones in a single night, it is a bit hard to take.
That gave me headache when I woke up this morning.
And I have yet to deal with the last when he asked meet somewhere.
I have not recited the passage of prayers so many times in one night.
But for one who keep slamming cupboard and refused to listen to anything, so much rage and anger and I started seeing blood, and only stop upon me reciting it, I have to.
Chanced upon this book when I was browsing in the bookshop last week, but it is freaking expensive in Singapore.
Mong would probably say "you can't put a price in education"; Seriously, same book when it could be sold like half of the price in Hong Kong, I just feel that the book has been really overpriced. What's more this is more like a casual read, if not I cannot find it in the library I would probably not buy until I have read it.
Lucky thing is that Mom is going back this weekend and hopefully she can help me to find the book there.
***********************************************
I was first told of Psalm 91 the prayer of protection about 6 months ago, and repeatedly I have been reminded of the verse.
And I heard it just last week again at work, and I feel that there is a purpose for that.
To my cousins who are reading here, please do not go and tell my mom or mentioned in front of my mom of me sharing verses and talking about God, I have tried before and it was SIMPLY A MAJOR DISASTER, even though there is nothing to be ashamed of.
But for my 2 "M"s who are of a significant importance in my life, I am willing to post this and face any consequences.
Prayers for my 2 "M"s.... Be safe.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the LORD, who is my refuge—then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,“ says the LORD, ”I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation” (NIV).
As much as I am worried and concerned, there is nothing I could do.
Jocelyn asked me why didn't I pry, she felt that I can at least give some warm words after knowing the situation.
I told her it wasn't my style to do so for anyone.
Besides, with my understanding of you, words of console carries no meaning and are redundant.
If you want me to know, you would have told me. If it is a period, meaning not to ask further and I respect your decision.
Also sometimes, I feel that overly concerned can become a form of stress.
When one is caught in a situation, it is probably already very difficult and stressful, how would I have the heart to rub it in?
Mackie knows that about me.
Jocelyn said like that I really must be 真的要很能忍。
忍住關心忍住擔心忍住著急, the least I can do for you, not to stress you further and rub it all in, and have faith in you and Him that things will sort it out and you are capable of handling.
I believe each and every one of us has our own set of problems, but...
I hardly see Twin showed it anywhere.
Always helpful.
Always friendly.
Hard to hear anyone said that they don't like her.
You know, some people just made you feel that they are fake because they can tell you they don't like this staff and the next moment you see them walking out like they were conjoined twins.
So far...
Twin won't.
Because she always takes care of people, I will always have some food packed for me whenever I am busy if she is on the same shift or the earlier or the next shift.
When I was turning around in the rooms running here and there, she will always be the one who came and asked "anything to help you or not?" and she will just take even if you tell her no need but she still seeing you turning around.
When she hear someone say something bad about another person, she would go "no lah, there is some credit somewhere also" and she can easily name a few.
No one individual is a Saint.
And of course including her.
If she really don't like the person, she won't approach to ask if help is needed, she will quietly busy with her own things.
Somehow...
I just feel very well taken care of when she is around, like a big sister but she didn't pushed things like... "I am big sister and so you must follow what I said, otherwise... DIIIEEEEEE!!!"
Nah.
Happy-go-lucky is her style.
For goodness sake sometimes I even forget that she is married with a 14 year old kid!
Having people like that around is like a booster.
And I...
ADMIRE HER for that.
(= " =)...
People like that around, just made you think of the good things that other people did for you, and you learnt to appreciate things even more.
Like...
How he sneaked out to get me a packet of mee goreng quite some time ago, even though after that we had a lot of disagreement.
Sometimes I think about that, and it just made my anger towards him lessen.
I still have that picture in my instagram, which I realized that I have almost forgotten about that kind gesture.
And this the other one who got me a can of coke in my busiest moment, just because I craved for it in day one and the next day he just got me one on my table when I can hardly tell where is my left and right when someone collapsed.
Small gestures.
But it did touched me.
Which is why when I was really fuming mad, I toned down a bit after that.
Being reminded of the anger and frustration was horrible, it is worse when I have to carry them around.
When I started browsing through the pictures again...
I realized that...
It is a package.
There are nicer moments.
Why do I forget them instead of keeping them and be reminded, EVERY SINGLE TIME you made me angry/pissed/frustrated?
Suddenly...
I felt the strength coming in.
明天的自己...
What do I want to see myself as?
你希望明天的自己像一道彩虹還是剛淋過雨?
I think it is a very good question to check myself daily.
你希望明天的自己有微笑眼睛還是半夢半醒?
一直在原地那兒也不去, 也就永遠看不到新的好風景...
Probably that was what made me said to her that...
At least there is still something that can be given, when she was grumbling in her depressed tone that there were way too much medication hanged.
And she smiled after that.
Was thinking of "fate" today and suddenly feel like listening to this song.
Somehow...
The more that I do not wish to see a person, the more frequent that I will bump into them somewhere somehow; or I will keep having "live" updates on them and their lives.
It just happened like that till I cannot brush it aside that it is just a simple coincidence.
I mean, people that I wanted to meet, people that I'd like to spend more time with, I have almost never run into them.
Is there a message behind from the Angels?
Somehow I just feel that it is like...
Asking me to set things right again with the particular individual.
Just as per se...
How many times I ran into "Sandy" and shun her before she caught sight of me? [Think she moved near to my work place.]
Wow! Lost count!
Fated to sort things out?
May be.
Asking me to have more courage to confront them.
Oh dear, c-o-n-f-r-o-n-t, how harsh.
Sometimes, I do feel that she might not be the one, I know someone else was in it too, the one who acted innocent, keep relaying messages and has disappeared now, I know.
Coward?
Yes me.
Just do not want to be so harsh to others, you know moment of anger, any rubbish can come out anytime which do make people regret.
Avoid conflicts at all cost.
...
...
...
Somehow, it made me think about you again, what we have had shared.
Perhaps meeting you again wasn't THAT bad an idea. I mean, at least there was a moment of enlightenment that...
"It was almost impossible to face you again if I hadn't let go of the past", the unhappy part of the past which there was no content left in memory but just a feeling of reluctance to face you.
When you left that mark there before you rushed off... That feeling of relief strike me with that thought.
Did we talk things out?
Hmm...
No.
But things was somehow straighten up after we met up, things started going again.
And I just have a feeling that we can go on as good friends for a even longer time and more stable than before, for I really don't know why and how that you always know what is running in my mind, most of the time that even before I have said it out.
Seriously, I don't know if you are reading this, knowing how forgetful/careless you have always been, that you probably have misplaced the website.
But.
Heck cares.
From my point of view, we sort things out.
We are in peace okay!
=]
I just feel that I don't need to use any more words of extravagance, and you won't get angry even if you are reading this.
Wah seh!
Me eh!
So much confidence in you!
Be proud dear! =]
And be safe.
My prayers are with you, has been, and always, even those moments when we were not talking, it has ALWAYS been there.
And for that few that I do not wished to see...
May be it is really time to try, no loss anyway.
Jia you Fione, I know you can do it because you have the biggest largest safest safety net, the bestest!
Did life make us complex or did we make life complex?
Need to stop having too much things running through my mind every now and then, or rather, I need to shut all the bad news that seems to be keep coming, one after another.
Things are there, and sometimes... It just disappear.
Couldn't feel it anymore.
Hopefully can go for a ride soon, need that air and space.
**********************************************
I think...
It is kinda cool to have someone that you really want to work hard for, something that keep your goal focus on to ride through any storm.
=]
I love flowers.
I love pink.
I'm dainty and dirty; not a trace.
I party till dawn,
I shop till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm a girl. And a beautiful one too.
The DIVA ♥
M A R I A ( N A D I A H )
M A R I A M ( F I O N E )
The GAMBLER Sagittarius.
AND
The PERFECTIONIST Virgo.
Seemingly impossible. BUT THEY WERE THE BEST FRIENDS.
Met in a Summer in 2002.
♥ LOVES CATS ♥.
Enjoys having Pizza together.
Go Wild in a KTV.
And will LOVE each other till time ends.
WISHLIST ♥
F O R M A R I A. A DEGREE.
F O R M A R I A M. Machu Picchu.
HER AUDIENCES ♥
They applauded her and gave her a standing ovation.
