出口成「髒」有比較cool嗎？
一大班人一齊食飯喺碟餸度左夾右剿冇問題？
明知道今晚班人有聚會會去某地食飯而自己又唔得閒去，午餐時特登話要去同一餐廳，要今晚聚會啲人改地點唔覺得有問題？
自己漏佐嘢喺班房仲要幫佢執到嘅人特登送過去，nothing is wrong?
到底喺冇家教定喺我脫節？
Felt my ear so contaminated by the repeated "What the F**K?!" in high pitch loud voice.
Felt so lost of appetite when not one but few of them pick in the plate like that, why do I remember my mother hitting my chopsticks for even not taking the food right in front of me?
Things that are mine, isn't that my own responsibility? People picked it up and informed you is out of kindness, on what ground should you make people make a big round so that things be delivered to you instead of you coming back to get it?
Sigh.
Me?
Shut my eyes and ears chose not to see.
Was expecting a tough battle today after Sister SC spoke to me at length yesterday, both of us were not optimistic about it but... Thank God things were quite calm ultimately.
I hope I am right.
I like to talk to Sister SC, felt like a mother who is trying to make things right.
She keep telling me not to stress too much. I don't know why from Predictor, Che, 無品男, Andrea till her all felt that I am stress.
I may be, but there are other stressors.
=S
The bad week has gone.
I hope I can look forward to better days coming.
But first, I need to complete the final 2 assignments that I am supposed to hand in first.
Tough fight.
Right? Wrong?Sometimes I wonder did I do it right.
To me, certain things it has to happen like that it is like that. Like if it is the upper management's decision, who are we to challenge them?
To think that one actually "demand" for an explanation from the superior, I just cannot justify the reason for demanding for an answer, no matter how unhappy you could be. To me, they become your boss not for no reason.
Am I that outdated?
Sigh.
Sister SC had a long chat with me today after the class, she said she noted that I have been very tired all the time, whether I am stress. She was trying also to find out how the class is coping and wondering if there is anyone giving me a hard time.
I am very apprehensive on what information I should/could share, gave some suggestions. And...
She told me that I was being "chosen" as a class leader, not by chance.
May be I am "chao lao"???
She said I am more matured than others, I didn't challenge her that there are older people in the class, rather I told her that sometimes, I am not sure if I did fulfill the role as a leader.
"Did I do it right?"
"Did I do what I need to?"
"Did I give trouble?"
These are the questions that has always been hovering in my head.
Sigh.
And I wonder, if I should share it across the class that...
They have to expect more work coming.
And they fall way below the expectation.
It is so not easy to manage people.
*tired*
All that I could, is to pray to Him, asked Him to give me the deemed wisdom that I need to speak the right.
Today I received a random message from one of my friends telling me that we should "remain as friend and hope that what we had are not out of convenience".
Honestly, never expect that to come from her.
Not the type of people that I would think that she would want to keep friendship as she herself also admitted that she is bad at keeping contacts.
(="=)...
And I do wonder what made her want to keep what we had going that she started asking for dates to meet. (=__=||)....
Well.
Thank you.
For that appreciation.
=]
Not eloquent enough to know what to say but told her that as long as she is willing, we can try.
I WAS okay with you, even though you did drive me a little bit up on the edge occasionally, it was tolerable.
Until things happened.
I didn't purposely go and follow you, NEVER DID I INTEND TO even click to your page to see.
They didn't let me off.
I kept running into you, like a cat-and-rat game, the more I do not want to see you to be reminded of you, the more I keep on running into you. And the more frequent you appear in my news feed.
When the pain is too much that whenever anything related to you appeared in my life to the point of even when you name mentioned it will trigger nothing but all the undesired feelings, dislike, sadness, pain, to a point that one day when that little tint of hatred surfaced that shocked me big time...
I tried every ways and means to halt it. Attempted to look at the good side, suppress the negative feelings, not feeding it, not thinking about it... The harder I tried, something will just come and stir up and the cycle will start all over again till I am at wits end...
Removing became not an option but an answer in order to achieve ultimate peace.
At least now, when I am not reminded of you and your presence, I feel more calm.
So...
Probably, the decision in not seeing you again no matter is not wrong.
Because it made me feel more sinned, whenever the rage and that strong uncomfortable desired of hatred came whenever you are being mentioned/appeared in sight.
At least now, that day when your name was mentioned in a conversation, I only feel a small prick in there, not that devil creating turmoil in there.
I am working on it still. That wasn't right, I know. Yet this, is the only way that I know will be effective, no matter how much other would think that this shouldn't be the way, then again at the very least, by far it is working.
She, "Isn't there anything that makes you want to stay and carry on?"
Me think for a while, "No, not at this moment in time."
She, "But isn't 30 a bit too early?"
I am really looking forward to this week, when everything could end.
Andrea random message today did shock me a little, put me into a lot of thinking again.
Everyone is carrying a big sack as they are moving along.
I didn't see it as well.
Now.
I just hope I can be a better person.
In character.
In whatever I do.
I hope.
It has been a very long and rocky week for me, started with as tough as I felt the whole world is collapsing and I am left all alone to fight in it, though I tried as hard as sucking it all in and make it as though nothing had happened every day, when my pillow was soaked wet every single night when the lights are out.
It was just so painful.
I don't want to think about it anymore.
Finally, the week is coming to an end and it ended with a piece of wonderful news for me.
It has been a REALLY LONG journey...
From the beginning that I was struggling with it...
Till coming to terms with it...
Coping with the complications and changes...
Went through the surgery, a lot of uncertainties and insecurities...
Be it on features.
On body..
On Mind, the worst thing to cope with, what comes with that disease...
9 long years.
I am in remission.
=]
You may think that I am exaggerating...
But...
Bet only those who went through some medical ailments will understand.
That feeling when you were told of having to take medication for life.
That feeling when you were only 24.
The change of your appearance because of the disease, that sometimes you find it hard to look into the mirror again.
I didn't say it but it doesn't mean I don't mind it at all.
I am praying for the same thing.
But my prayers were not answered.
When.
I really hope that I would know.
But before that....
Thank you for standing by me babe, listening to all the rails through the years, never judge if I am right or wrong, you are still around, always there.
This is the 4th day, 3rd night.
How long will this drag?
*Smirk*
Felt like a DIL case waiting...
***************************************
One week twice.
Working in vain.
Work, disappear and re-do.
Work, disappear and re-do.
What are the odds?
How many more nights I have to bear??
Felt like being stabbed by You with a knife.
They said, the more resistance one face, it means that you are going to the right path.
How true is that?
How many more obstacles I have to clear if I continue to look towards you?
They said I am like bipolar.
I just do not want to bitch about others.
When I don't like it so much.
When I know how much damage it might be.
How could I do it to others?
We are all adults, working adults who has been through so many different schools, I really wonder how did they survive their previous studies?
Lift and throw the wholesale into the slides without even filtering? And expect people to go through slide-by-slide when we come together to collate everything? And then to summarized for you? What is this?
Do I need to really be so specific and tell them what to put and what not to put? Did I not say to come prepared? Must I nag like a mother everyday? Com'on, GROW UP!
Speak to them speak to them, how many times must I say? Really people so thick skinned???? (=__=#).
And why am I struggling alone here to complete all the slides, yet again.
If only there is another one more reliable that I do not need to go through.
「天使從來都沒有對我微笑過，一次都沒有」It has been very long since I last worked until I literally cried.
What can be more cruel than when you thought that you have completed 90% of your clinical log and......
You realized that the file was gone with all the changes you have done for the past days for 3 hours.
I know there is no point to cry over spilled milk.
But can I just be angry?
=[
Why should I be surprised?
It is me.
黑仔王。
Suddenly remembered there was once I hugged Mac to cry in school, because I read one line and it reminded me of myself.
A woman with a fake smile on the face, said this with sarcasm,
"天使從來都沒有對我微笑過，一次都沒有。"
I felt it so much because I just feel that how much disappointment it took in life for that lady to give up hope entirely to pass such remark.
It is just cruel to do such thing to anyone, even though it was just a frictional character, I just sense that deep hopelessness and disappointment hiding behind that line.
Sigh.
Ranting complete.
Time to face reality even if the angel smile or not smile.
Right about it, the headaches is killing me actually.
Anyway, this afternoon when my cousins texted me about Nepal having another quake, the first person that came to my mind was Nad, the other supposely co-owner of this blog and I seriously doubt that she remembered here. When was the last time I saw her? A couple of years ago when Flora was just married? Remember of met her up in a... Wedding? Then we were out in PS and remember that Michael send us to somewhere for I remember waiting at the side of the road and I was looking at Swiss Bake.
Then... After that...
No eh. Not even a message until I text her a couple of weeks ago because I started using my pencil case whereby we had the same "couple keychain" from Kalm's.
Do I miss her?
I think I'd rather said I missed the old times whereby there is Mac, Evelyn, Kewei, Siling...
And everyone love each other so much that we thought everything could last.
Until promises broken.
Even Madam Chua was surprised that we didn't keep in contact after graduation because our group gel so cohesively well.
I don't know.
Guess things just happened.
Selene was telling me that she doesn't believe that frequent contact is needed to keep things going as she was complaining about something that she doesn't agree with.
I kept quiet even though I don't agree.
Seriously, I know nothing about their lives now, even though we could once, offhand can choose everything for each other without even talking. And then I must say again, I feel that no one, would ever know me as well as Mac used to be, she is probably the only one by far that can read through all my "okay" and know which "okay" is actually not "okay".
How did we drift apart?
When all the attempts of organizing a gathering went in vain, when people started to cancel date the last minute not once not twice but many many times, it just gets very tiring and upsetting. Do you mean that my time isn't important at all that I have pushed away other appointments so that we could meet up for a meal for a little catch up or updates? Or I simply don't worth you to remember that we have actually arranged for a meet up?
When too much disappointment came in time after time, I started double dating them, I confessed I did that to people who repeatedly cancelled my date for more than 3 times consecutively with the reason that "it slipped their mind", for I somehow figured that the mutual respect in the relationship has gone missing. "Double date" as in when another friend requested to meet I would just agree to go and would not keep the date for them.
As busy as you are, as busy as I am too.
Then slowly, I figured that...
Some people, or rather, most people, are meant to leave in the memory.
No matter how close they once were to you.
Fad once commented on how I used past tense for best friend, as in "we WERE close", "she WAS my best friend". But when the effort only come from one side, what is the point? It takes 2 hands to clap.
Why, should I harbor any hope and have them shattered by you ultimately?
Still, I am thankful, for those who are willing to stay and make the effort to keep things going, Xian, Hao and Kaiqi, thank you for staying, especially Xian and Hao, everytime when they know that something isn't right they are always there. I remembered how I used to seek shelter at Xian's house 10 years ago. Knowing the both of you are the greatest blessings I have had all these years.
Wow.
Super digressed.
Anyway, I am writing this post is because...
Nadiah is in Nepal now. I was worried when I heard about the quakes again.
Then I asked myself, what if...
I am not cursing her, but what if something happened to her with the quake earlier?
Then I realized, a lot of things in life actually doesn't matter anymore.
Do I still get upset with her (or rather, them) for not putting in the effort in keeping things going?
For those who know me well, you would probably know also that all along, to me, living and dying has never been an issue to me, because ultimately everyone will be there, it is just a matter of how soon it came. And I do understand that a lot of things we cannot carry out of this world on the day we leave. Though so, certain things I still hold very much and being very particular about.
Then again.
I realized.
That is a true true doesn't matter, that kind of feeling.
Those negative feelings about how they cancelled the appointment the last minute, it doesn't matter anymore.
Those holding back of all the above entry that I didn't tell them at all because I didn't want to upset them, neither do I want to fight with them, it doesn't matter anymore.
I feel nothing towards them.
If that certain things upset me, WHY SHOULD I KEEP IT IN while feeling more miserable with the attempt in keeping it?
Why should I fear about upsetting you when you didn't even consider how much whatever you do upset me?
Why, should I be putting up a forced front for fear that you would feel hurt even though it hurts me so much?
Why, should I be putting in those effort when I know that holding on causes nothing but pain?
Why, should I be staying when I meant nothing to you?
It doesn't mean that I don't cherish, I still do.
But if you can't love me for that way that I deserved, walking away, is my best option.
It just doesn't worth that effort when you know that it would hurt me, and you still go ahead and commit it, leaving me to handle all the unhappiness alone.
If it wasn't meant to be, let it go.
This would mean that, I will not stay and wait for anyone anymore.
Keep whatever that comes, let go of whatever that wasn't meant to be.
No matter how dearly I once held it close to me.
Stop feeding that devil with hatred and sadness, I should not be amplifying it. Trust me, Dear is going to grumble at me again for this.
Why some people still go and do certain things even though they know it clearly and well that by doing so, they will irritate you to the core and it will hurt you deeply.
They know that fact well and well, but they still go ahead and do it.
I just find it hard to understand.
Am I just too naive or too hopeful for the world that people should be kind to each other?
What is actually in their mind when they have decided for certain things?
But I sure do feel this...
Certain things....
And actually...
Then I realized...
It no longer matters.
When the threshold of pain has broken, it no longer matters.
So I figured that...
A bit over sharing, but somehow... It just fit in.
Or...
May be it works the same for me by thinking it this way also, being insensitive.
Enough for tonight.
Mucus turning green again, the bug is back even though I have been loading myself up with vitamin C. With the headaches and tiredness, I better rest early.
I think the whole class was quite amazed with the way I fell asleep, imagine on how half way playing the role as a patient I actually fell asleep, even though I wasn't the only one.
The shoulder ache was really bad, Shuh gave me a name card and told me to see a Chinese Physician. Anyway, was supposed to meet Edyth but something happened in the end, luckily Sel was around and she took me for a massage. The auntie who did the massage for me keep shaking her head as she was doing it, said that my shoulder was in quite a bad shape. =S
Was really glad for that little massage session, at least my body feels a little lighter now.
When I got home this evening, the ground was soaked with water.
Somehow...
I just want to give thanks.
Was telling Sel that thank you for bringing me for the massage because I think it really helps, ended by saying that if the night could end with a Ilao Ilao would be better.
Right after I finished typing, I actually passed by a branch and so... I had it to complete the night!
When I reached home, the soaking wet ground suggested a thunderstorm just passed and I was lucky enough to have just missed it.
So...
Sometimes, I think, even though the nightmares, the stress, the insomnia...
I like little blessings like these...
Che asked me suddenly yesterday that if I am okay.
Andrea came and asked me today.
They said that I have become very quiet lately.
Che said that even 無品男 thought so.
What makes them think that I am not?
I thought I have hidden it very carefully and very well, especially we only got to know each other for merely a month, Che excluded.
They said apparently not so.
So what if it is not okay?
Life still has to go on.
Whatever I don't like will not disappear from my life, they will still stick around and irks me to the core.
What can I do?
Life goes on.
Either I let go or I just continue.
The only person I can rely on.
I pray for some lights.
Thanks for the courage that was bloomed inside me to make that declaration to certain people.
At least they know and they can understand, even with the slightest understanding of the whole picture, they didn't pursue further on the whole issue. Save me from having to go through the emotional roller coaster again.
Stay with me, will you?
I will get through this, much like how I did it before.
My only wish now is that I will not run into another Huckleberry or another McDull, commiting the same mistakes I made 10 years ago that ended up causing more damage than ever.
Finally spoken to someone about the spirits today, and it feels good to be able to speak to someone who can totally understand the situation because they shared what you have been through. We both share the same sentiments that not everyone can take or understand what we have seen.
I always have doubts on how true it is for all my encounters...
She told me that seems like there is someone who has been desperately trying to get my attention.
If so...
Not the best way I supposed?
So much blood, so much slamming...
Calm down and talk properly.
Otherwise I won't know what you want.
Anyway.
In some sense, I do agree with her that this is a gift.
And she, is a much worse case than I do.
At least when I wake up, I am still having my own life. She can't, for she has that gift to see them all the time.
And I figured that by tolerating it I am the only one getting all the bad feelings.
Then again...
Why should I give face when you are hurting me time and time again with that so called "ignorance"?
And in the first place why should I even give you that chance to do so?
Okay.
I will make it very simple and straight-forward.
雖然有些遺憾 ，但 From hereon, 有你冇我.
Sorry, it is beyond salvation.
I REALLY DEEPLY REGRETTED for bringing you in out of sympathy.
Not again, no more next time.
I don't ever think I would want to be that kind again.
If anyone were ever ostracized, by all means, good luck.
It doesn't pay to be kind.
I spoke up for that one, and what happened?
I brought this one in, and what happened?
All because that moment of sympathy.
****************************************
希望
****************************************
Spoken to someone just now, and I have 90% confident that I am right about what I know previously.
I shall keep this and continue to watch the development.
One and a half months ago we were still teasing each other, happy to see each other once in a few days.
Cherishing those times that we were on the same shift.
Those hugs.
Those warm smile on the face.
How you would shout across the ward and called that nick you gave me.
Though I don't really have full faith in you, I was slowly putting my guard down.
We are now left with nothing but "Thank you".
I don't know.
Seriously.
Certain things I cannot agree with you, in the way you handle people you don't like, the way you mock at them behind their back which is also the main reason why I can't let my guard down totally.
And I know what you are doing behind my back now also.
THAT is probably the worst nightmare one can have when someone you know kinda well turned to become your foe.
Sad and honestly...
Traumatized.
May be...
He is trying to set things right for me, saving me those people that I can truly rely on, people that I can safely give my back to them because He knows how blinded I can be, people that truly truly love me.
I have to admit that this,
is really a very tough battle.
But perhaps...
I should still be glad.
That this happened now, not earlier when I still have to face her everyday, not later when I have let her into my little castle more, otherwise the damage done would be way worse.
Though...
I am still upset over it.
A lot of broken ties and it is ONLY May.
I begin to wonder who would I have left with at the end of this year.
I need more time and support.
Speaking of which...
Only recently I have felt that power of speech again.
Seriously, never like to be around with people who would pass remark on everything and anything, for I would never know when will the person pass comments about me behind my back like how that person casually passed remark on another person.
Once or twice is still not too bad.
Too frequent it will really impact on how others look at the person.
I have to be really more careful for now.
Sigh.
I just want some peace, can't I?
I love flowers.
I love pink.
I'm dainty and dirty; not a trace.
I party till dawn,
I shop till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm a girl. And a beautiful one too.
The DIVA ♥
M A R I A ( N A D I A H )
M A R I A M ( F I O N E )
The GAMBLER Sagittarius.
AND
The PERFECTIONIST Virgo.
Seemingly impossible. BUT THEY WERE THE BEST FRIENDS.
Met in a Summer in 2002.
♥ LOVES CATS ♥.
Enjoys having Pizza together.
Go Wild in a KTV.
And will LOVE each other till time ends.
WISHLIST ♥
F O R M A R I A. A DEGREE.
F O R M A R I A M. Machu Picchu.
HER AUDIENCES ♥
They applauded her and gave her a standing ovation.
他曾在某夜寫了一句，分享了某一首歌詞，某一篇文章，他也在懷念你嗎？你不知道，越去猜，越糾結，就算他也曾懷念過你，又如何？
I kept running into you, like a cat-and-rat game, the more I do not want to see you to be reminded of you, the more I keep on running into you. And the more frequent you appear in my news feed.
Everyday.
Why should I give face when you are hurting me time and time again with that so called "ignorance"?
I have to admit that this,
