Okay.
This is probably the toughest, and the worst way to do it...
But...
My intellect is only to that level...
And I am a human after all, a very very normal humble human being with no desire to be outstanding but only wanted a plain and peaceful life.
...
...
...
*Deep breath*
As I have said, I have asked myself a lot of "why" since the beginning of this week...
Constantly there are a lot of things running at the back of my mind.
And then I realized...
May be, I have tried too hard.
*************************************************
《用錯力》鄺俊宇
記得《愛我請留言》裡的一句：「我們都以為很用力去做，就可以做好一件事，」
「但原來我們是很用力地，去做錯一件事。」
以為很用力，就能做得好，其中一項誤會的，是愛情。
我們很用力去經營一段愛情，很在意的讓對方開心，很努力的照顧對方至無微不至，很用力，很用力的對他好，只期望，他會喜歡妳對他的好。
但如果，他不太懂呢？
妳用力去掛念他，他嫌妳煩；妳努力逗他笑，他覺沒趣，反顯得妳像個小丑；妳事事顧及他感受，到頭來，妳的感受呢？
妳很用力去愛，愛得花盡九牛二虎，但如果對方欠感應，妳越用力，反而越做錯，任妳把自己的所有感受都犧牲，但最後妳發現，根本換不了對方的憐憫。
在很用力愛他，還是很用力地在受傷？
是方法錯了，還是方向不對？當真正的彼此在相愛，用力是不會太辛苦的，因為妳不是跟他在拔河，而是愛情像一道重重的門，妳倆正一同用力推開它。
有用力去做錯事嗎？
換個用力的方向試試，或許會愛得舒服點。
*************************************************
To step back, the answer, or the conclusion was really simple.
Someone once said, He will NEVER put people through trials.
It is all from the Devil.
But isn't He supposed to be protecting me from harm, especially from the whispers of the Devil?
Where is He when I needed him the most?
And then...
It came to me that...
He doesn't love me in the way that I thought it should be, well, at least my level of understanding should be.
Time and time again, faith was put to trial.
The trials He put me through, okay, rather the trials that kept coming, only boiled down to one fact.
The faith I carried has brought me nothing but more pains and sufferings.
I was feeling all lousy and it gotten worse.
I didn't abandoned You, as much as I didn't want to, as much as I hate to admit it... YOU DID.
It was very painful to have to come to this...
Tears are dried finally.
Things.....
Miraculously gotten slightly better after I acknowledged that fact.
I have not placed any expectation right at the beginning, probably I have had, I was seeking for peace.
And now, after everything has crashed, when faith is gone, peace came.
It is still running in my mind, a lot of things.
*************************************************
《過客》
很多人，在我們人生中都是過客。朋友之間疏遠的原因太多：太忙、謠言、誤會，甚至是認識了一班新朋友而忘記了故友。同時，和朋友重修舊好的原因太少。
我有一個朋友，雖然不是很老友很老友，但中學時一起上過文學班，畢業之後他去了做保險，我在大學繼續我的學業，我們沒有再聯絡。有一天晚上，我在學校附近遇到他，我們寒喧數句，說遲一些約食飯，之後，當然再也沒見過大家。
游宇明在《只能陪你一程》中說過：「你只是別人生命中的過客，只能與人共走一段路。」雖然考試的文章我大部分也記不得，唯獨是這篇的這一句，深深烙印在我的腦海中。因為它太現實，現實得令人可怕。
我有另一個朋友，中學時和我同班了五年，有三年是一起坐的。那時候，他媽媽還擔心他的性取向。總之，我們十分老友。但是「命運入面每個邂逅，一起走到了某個路口，是敵與是友，各自也沒有自由」。或者真的沒有甚麼原因我們不再聯絡，但我們也沒有動力去打個電話，約出來聚舊，最可怕的不是因為誤會而做不成朋友，最可怕的是甚麼也沒有發生，也還是做不成一生的朋友。
別人說，要維繫一段感情很難，我說，要維繫一段友情更難。情人，大可三天見一次，但朋友，可能一個月見一次也會有難度。很多時候都是我們或朋友遇上不如意的事，才會找他們傾訴。試問這樣一來，又如何每一個朋友也維持得到？
當然，總有些朋友，是完全不用見面，但你知他們仍然和你十分緊密。同樣我也有個朋友，中學時和我同班了五年，之後他去了英國繼續讀書。大二的時候，我失戀到了英國，有三年沒有見面，但我今生也會記得他陪我飲酒，聽我傾訴。
我不是說那個沒有再聯絡的朋友不好，只是做多久朋友，很多時也是天註定。當然，也可以人為。例如拍了拖後，便沒有理踩其他異性朋友。其實我是相信純友情的。又例如誤信謠言，而疏遠某朋友。其實最能了解一個人，是用自己的眼睛。
如果朋友已經會因緣份盡了而流失，為何還要人為地和一些朋友不相往來呢？當然你也大可說人為其實也是緣份盡。人是失去了才懂珍惜的，家人如此、情人如此，朋友也一樣。也許有些人，只能陪你一程，但如果有些人，你認為是一生的朋友的話，就不要甚麼也不做，便放棄一段友情。如果真的緣分盡了，也至少無悔。
看這篇文時你想起誰？是時候打個電話給他了。
*************************************************
《只能陪你一程》----作者游宇明
春天的雨夜，好友提出告辭，我堅持要送他到車站。最終，他攔住了我：「送君千里﹐終須一別。你反正只能陪我一程，就在門口止步吧。」我尊重他的意見。
每一個人都只是穿插在他人生活中的一個片斷，這注定永遠只能陪人一程。你愛自己的父母，希望他們長命百歲﹐但你再孝順他們，他們也會走在你前面，你只能陪父母一程;你喜歡自己的兒女，時刻夢想用自己的身軀為他們遮風擋雨，然而，你再高大，總有一天你也要走在他們前面，你只能陪兒女一程;你擁有一個心心相印的妻子，但是，她前面二十多年屬於父母，後面幾十年會被兒女﹑命運分割，你只能陪妻子一程;你看重朋友之間兩肋插刀的友誼，然而，不是朋友離開你，就是你離開朋友，你只能陪朋友一程……
因為只能陪人一程，你應該學會珍惜。他們饑餓時，你的關愛要成為一隻蘋果;他們寒冷時，你的呵護要變成一件棉衣;他們快樂時，你的笑容應該是最燦爛的﹔他們傷心時，你的撫慰應該是最真摯的……生活反復印證著:黑夜可以因為篝火的加入而變得明亮，冰雪卻無法因為寒風的參與而化為溫暖。
因為只能陪人一程，你也應該學會放棄。你父母只能撫養你長大，你不要期望他們是你永遠的拐杖，可以支撐你全部的人生;兒女只是與你血肉相連的孩子，而不是你的奴隸，你要懂得尊重他們的人生選擇;妻子向你奉獻了愛情，但她的生命不是愛情的抵押品，你應該給她必要的私人空間;朋友可以溫暖你，但這種溫暖應該是開放的，你不能強行獨佔他人的友誼……
你只是別人生命中的過客，只能與人共走一段路，這注定了你給予別人的有限性，又怎能要求別人無限付出？
*************************************************
The last straw that landed on it...
Was that...
I have once again, bumped into you with her.
Then I realized...
It wasn't the effort.
It was just a matter or priority.
You didn't hear it the last round, something..... I probably think that it is vital.
You SHOULD KNOW.
But...
Your God... Made you decided not wanting to know.
It all begun with you telling me how busy you were, how stressful you got...
To the extent that I felt that I am being not understanding enough if I keep disturbing you.
Unfortunately...
Put in your way...
God's will.
What I didn't tell you was...
Time and time again I have bumped into you, going out with her.
Time and time again I have bumped into you, going out with her.
I couldn't understand why.
I didn't asked for I have, no stand to ask.
But...
It made me feel dumb, totally.
To believe that you were really busy and stress up.
To know that...
Ultimately...
It was just a matter of priority.
It hit me, only when...
I didn't want to compare, but the effort from another person was there.
She has been consistently texting me arranging for dinner dates, working on our rosters and shifts, just to meet up.
I am.....
Apparently, in her priority list.
But in yours...
I wasn't.
You promise, that you will make the effort.
...
...
...
It is not going to work.
We are both worn.
I am...
...
...
...
WAS.
Very hurt.
To come to know that...
Or rather on my side, I felt that it was all nothing, but lies; to come to know that... I am not that important after all.
However, I am also in no position to arrange myself in your list.
But after recognized that fact... The fact that I am, nothing but another 過客 in your life...
May be...
God is trying to protect you... Still.
By making me feeling all hurt, He is, out just to protect you.
To let me chance upon the two write ups, to re-think and consider again.
To work things in the way that you have wanted.
By stabbing it right through.
I am fake, like hell, to the point that I hated myself to be like that but I am still playing along with it.
I am still smiling at you.
But deep down...
I didn't want to talk anymore, to anyone, to anything.
I am walking back to my old days when I am all cold and no one comes near.
He has taken away too much.
That last strand...
He broke it.
I won't cry anymore for Him.
HE...
ABANDONED ME.
