Have been feeling kinda tired lately.
Reality check?
May be.
Suddenly feel that so many relationships are so... fake? these days.
You see, sometimes when you were given some power or authority, people started to be drawn near to you.
Not only power.
Materials too.
And I am really disgust and utterly disappointed by that.
Am I just too naive in hoping for some relationships/friendships without any influence by the external factors?
I think the older I grow, the harder it is to find one.
I don't know why am I suddenly seeing things so clearly.
Like I have said that gazillion times lately, I preferred to be ignorant and less aware of these things.
Unfortunately, it is so loud that I can simply not ignore it.
Sigh.
Why.
Trister suddenly text me yesterday and she was trying to arrange for a gathering. I told her my condition and she got a shock from it though I refused to tell her the reasons.
Just no point.
When I feel that I am managing well and it is progressing, I don't see why I have to break it and fall back into that pit again, seriously.
It wasn't easy to find back my peace and not to mention that I still keep running into that bitch around so many times in a week, so loosely and easily calling her as that now. Sigh. Wish I could be more accepting but...
I guess by forcing things because I am doing it on her request of not letting that one know is just gonna get worse.
And...
Somehow, certain things, I am sick of repeating it over and over again. If the other party did not think that it is a problem, there is just no point to even speak about it because it is not coming naturally/willingly.
How many times must I keep repeating the same thing? Even if you are not tired, I am sick of it.
Ignore me.
Probably the traumatic effect from that loop-y log I called it to complete with other things running along.
I need to breathe.
Sorta like fought with the rest the other night, I guessed my decision to walk off just like that shocked all of them, but I explained my stand and Chipmunk apologized in the end.
I just feel that...
As much as they don't understand why I don't like to share with them my chinese name, as much as I do not understand why do they have to know? I mean... Does that affect how you are going to look at me?
Honestly, I was quite disappointed but I didn't use that word in the end when I texted them. In any form of relationship, I placed a relatively high value in mutual respect, if your friend is not comfortable with that, WHY FORCE? Does that make you happier? Also much like why... When the pain was so bad and that little sparks of hatred surfaced, I know this couldn't carry on any longer, isolating that "B" was the only way out back then. I respect my friend's choices no matter, how much I don't like it, and how hurt I was.
NO.
I am not going to sink back in that sorrow and pain.
NO.
