Though tired, still want to come up here for a while just to pen down something that just crossed my mind, before I go to bed.
I am, very grateful to Mabel and Habib for what they have done for me, how much they have appreciated me for what I do in the ward even though I really feel that I am doing the same as what I did back in the old ward.
Not say that I wanted to say anything bad about the old ward, and I honestly do not want to comment on that further, just that I feel that if you appreciate someone, it is good to tell them, in a way, I think it does spreads some positive energy too.
Which is probably I would put in more effort and time to ask them if they need any help and for Mabel, I am really concerned about her situation.
I just feel that others are not obligated to be nice to you, 沒有人天生就應該對你好，有沒有用心去對待别人，不可能會感受不到。正如别人對我的用心，我也能感受到。這或許就是為什麼有些人我總覺得無法親近，也不願意讓每個生命的過客都變成至親的原因吧。不是不想給機會，而是真的沒有在用心，我又何必冒险？
如她，感激她的用心，我今天會 dropped her a message, knowing that she didn't begin her day that well with someone who gave her trouble and screwed her, I might be disturbing her, but I still want to let her know that she is being appreciated, which is probably why ultimately I still went ahead to drop her that message, even though it is random and sounded strange? I just want to give a pat on her shoulder to tell her that she has done a very good job, at least in my view, she cares.
I was...
Having a~b~i~t~ of a hard time over the past few weeks, it was really terrible when your faith just disappeared and you are left all alone like a headless fly, had no idea what you are doing, had no idea where you are going while still having to maintain a sane side to function like nothing happened.
Until that breaking point reached.
I don't know what triggered me, I just know that I have make it through the bottle neck when Edyth sent me a voice message.
CPF called me immediately after that and got Edyth to talk to me, which she actually thought that I was sick. Sigh.
Honestly, before that, everything that I see, there is just a layer of greys that I couldn't wipe it off. My brain was in a state of absolute empty and I can barely function well.
I know what went wrong, I know where exactly it came from, it was some hard truth that I have come to realize. It was just incidental discovery, and like I have said, sometimes,我其實並不是太喜歡自己看得太通透...
It was disgusting, ugly max but... It was there, I tried facing it but I cannot lie to myself anymore.
It came so hard that it shatter every single belief I have left here, when I don't have much to begin with.
Now...
I am Good. Really.
For that, I am not going to care anymore. The world, has to be like that, human, are just like that. So long as, I do no wrong to others, I think I can be settled with that.
And... Happy 10th Anniversary to me. =]
