It is late I know, and I should be in bed by now.
Just that I couldn't walk away without penning down things that I have learnt today which I really think that it is important.
I bet the devilish power around me is very strong, lotsa things and changes is taking place in my life lately and seriously, it is a little too much to take so much at one go, besides tiring it is DRAINING.
I don't want to admit, it is not exactly a voice but there is definitely something that is pushing me over the wall, THAT wall literally.
But...
In all...
I am grateful.
Today's sermon was of help, great help? Well, may be.
Speaks a lot about sermon lately, yet if you were in my shoes going through what I have been and am going through, you probably will be able to see the values in them.
I am not and do not want to think again about whatever that had happened.
There was a period of time that I just want to be alone, I do not want to even approach anyone or talk to anybody about it. I felt like a sponge just absorbing whatever I can or cannot, keeping it all in and just feel that there is no point in talking about it. I mean, seriously, so what if I tell another being? What can they help me with?
To the point that even trusting another person to want, have time and is interested to listen to all my rantings seems so hard.
I am laughing and living normally, or... Pretending to be absolute normal as though nothing happened, but the weigh is there, that voice was there.
There was something that keep telling me that I need to be on my own be strong and I can only be on my own, despite of knowing His presence and I kept praying.
See where I have pushed myself to?
Been having loadsa people telling me lately not to push myself so hard.
And I was really wondering what makes them feel so, from my Mom, Jocelyn, Selene, my classmates and even that one that I "secretly named" him as my "predictor" all told me not to push myself further.
Am I really that harsh?
I don't know what gave them that idea.
Anyway.
Today's sermon...
Whatever that happens, it should be effortless, something that Mong told me before.
I am just a branch of a vine tree, God is the vine.
If things are not growing well, leaves not blooming, fruits not bearing, why should I blame myself?
It is not the branch's fault and not the branch's responsibility.
In short, it is not telling us to be irresponsible, but rather, there is no need for us to carry the world on our shoulder. (And there comes that "Hey Jude" song twirling in my mind now.) The Pastor used the analogy of taking a plane ride to illustrate, as we are the passengers, we don't control the plane, God does. And seriously, for us who do travel, who will see the who exactly is flying the plane? Yet we took the flight and believe that the pilot would take us to somewhere?
The more we struggle for the vine to give us more energy, the more trouble we would find. In other words, it is not to seek, but to BELIEVE.
There is no need to pray for strength, no need to pray for wisdom, for they are all there waiting for us to realize them. We have them all along. It is not say you ask for it from God and He will pour a pail of it unto you.
Faith, is all we need.
We don't feel life, we believe in life.
Feelings, are just words of devil who is whispering next to your ears giving you pain and suffering.
Faith, is healing.
Believe in God's plan for you.
So...
The patch on the arm... I shouldn't worry anymore, He will handle.
The surgery and the hypotrophic tissue... He will handle.
Things between us.... He will handle.
He will give me a best solution, with no pain, guide us to a better place.
For I BELIEVE.
PS. And again, I trust whoever seeing this is not going to talk to my parents about it.
I am really fine now.
