Had a relatively long chat with Xian today.
She asked me, "What happened to you?"
Probably I have changed a lot again this time when I meet up with her, she did ask me like "won't you feel that it is a shame for that?"
My answer to her was that certain things, if it is the time for it to happen, it will happen, or it will bound to happen; If it meant to be it meant to be, by hanging onto it will only cause more pain and suffering, why should I make myself miserable?
It IS a shame.
But because I don't exist on Earth alone, everything is interlinked and my sole effort won't make any difference.
And I suddenly remember Bernard Lian's lecture; if you put the most awful thing in your mouth you would automatically spit it out; then why hang onto things that will cause you nothing but pain? Why make your own self suffer?
I used to think that it is a shame in not trying.
I still do.
But...
When the pain and the hurtful feelings had touched the maximum that I can take, I just don't know how or rather, I am exhausted with reasons or excuses to continue to hoax myself on inflicting that pain is going to do any good to anyone.
Nothing is definite.
May be it is just like that old Singapore drama《出路》's song.
《我吃得起苦》
作詞：陳佳明
作曲：陳佳明
走出去 就有路
尋見了 就有福
擁有了一切 都進了包袱
思念是帶不走的
天空 疑雲密布
心中 翻騰起伏
雖將飄搖 前途仍模糊
此地會是我 衣錦還鄉處
飄洋過海 我吃得起苦
相信天無絕人之路
現實有咒詛 夢裡有祝福
有緣同舟 風雨同渡
頂著烈日當空 眼底有迷霧
不能再讓懦弱困住
日子多坎坷 命運有變數
只盼久旱逢甘露
喔 喔
