The Maids' Dairy --- Maria's and Mariam's Days

謝謝你們

2012-01-29T13:29:00.004+08:00

Today, marks the one month anniversary of my surgery.

Last month at this time, I was lying along the corridor of OR 2 or 5? waiting for the op to start, wondering if they will proceed or will the anaesthetist postpone again due to the cough that I was having. Wondering will that be a keloid that will grow on my face, wondering how long will the scar be, wondering what will happen and that...

And saw a man walked in with a child and my professor told me to wait for a while more because they need to "do the kid first".

The last that I saw before I was knocked out, was the clock on the wall in the OR, 1430hrs sharp.

I woke up later because of suffocation, was in pain and wanted to threw myself back into darkness but keep waking up because I felt suffocated. It was a big struggle between wanting to sink myself into unconsciousness so that I wouldn't feel the pain and the need to breathe. And slowly the struggle resulted in anxiety attack and I could not breathe, with severe numbness slowly extended to both of my upper limbs which later they have to give me some oxygen and did a ECG.

Remember of asking people what time the op finished.

Remember of opening my eyes and I saw Mong trying to settle down next to my bed.

Remember of regaining consciousness at about 10 plus pm and found that Mong locked up my phone because she was trying to unlock it due to the messages that keep coming in and she wanted to help me to reply to those messages to those who were worried about how I was doing. (I was like when I saw my phone being locked)

Remember of the time when I cannot sleep because of the heart burn.

Remember of counting down alone in the room when Jasmine was messaging me showed me the cake that she was eating in the airport.

Remember of Trister coming to eat with me.

Remember of June coming to let me "entertained".

Remember of my baby Stella coming to see me for 2 mornings after her first night shift.

Remember of Mong dropping by daily even on her off days.

Remember of Fad and her "plaster balloon which everyone thought that it was a sausage".

Remember of CPF who came and brought me up to the ward for some cupnoodles and some snacks as she said that people on steroids always love cup-noodles, for some unknown reasons.

Remember of Alice shocked my parents when they walked in found that their daughter "the supposed to be patient" changed face because she was resting on my bed while I was away to the eye room to see Dr ().

Remember of a lot others who came to visit me and those who wanted to come but couldn't make it due to various reasons but messaged me while I was trying to type with one eye(can never finished that list).

Remember of the joy of discharging home and the chore of doing those eye toilet.

Remember of the first few nights home when there was fresh blood flowing down from the corner of my eyes..... (It was kinda funny, seriously while Mom didn't think so...)

Anyway, one month has F-I-N-A-L-L-Y passed and thank you to everyone who asked/visited/wished for me . Thank you for all those prayers since like more than a year ago when I first decided for the op and the constant worry (Remember I was kinda like caught in shock when one of my friends actually broke down when I told her about the op and the reason for it). Thank you for all those who talked to me when I was in fear and uncertainty since a year ago, thank you Pei Boon for your little card that you gave. Thank you Kar Mei for the oil that is rich in Vitamin A, C and E. Thank you for those who have shared all my doubts, fear, and worry. And of course of course my Mom, who really really really trying to keep calm but can't hide how much she worried about me. Like what Mong said, I AM a VERY FORTUNATE person and even words cannot describe HOW MUCH I appreciate each and everyone of you who care and showed a lot of concern on my progress. Can N-E-V-E-R thank you all enough.

愛我的每個人

作詞：姚若龍

作曲：林俊傑

痛在眼中變成淚在心中變成灰

沒有什麼能安慰

怕被時間變成累被想像變成悲

希望都被粉碎

不安有時會崩潰有時會怨懟
好像怎麼對待都不對

看得出你隱藏多少的疲憊

卻還是堅持著愛不斷加倍

讓我感動也讓我愧對

謝謝你們愛我的每個人

在我的人生最像一場惡夢的旅程

陪我掙脫勇敢地去醒來

當我的護衛為我禱告心靈更強韌

謝謝你們愛我的每個人

讓我努力後可以謝謝自己很坦誠

會想不通或絕望到躲開

但你們做的總讓我想堅強負責任為了愛重生

心擺脫夜的黑往藍天而飛被陽光包圍

只為了你一句我笑得好美

我忍住了太漫長的淚

看得出你隱藏多少的疲憊

卻還是堅持著愛不斷地加倍

讓我感動也讓我愧對

Some may think that this song is a little exaggerated, but to me, having to face this and the unknown is already kinda like a nightmare. Having to find the courage to accept the possible scar on such prominent site on my face, gambling the chances of having the nerve damage, living with numbness on the face for the rest of my life versus of being scared by my own reflection in the mirror on the days that I did not have enough rest and risk of cornea damaged in long term...

If you asked me how it is like having not to work...

I guess if I am not learning violin it could be quite bored and pointless, like there is nothing much you can do, living a life with no aim can be quite a torture, but because my teacher knew that I am resting at home, so I cannot be lazy, at least make some practice and show it to her.

I will be going back to work soon, the war zone, hopefully things will go well... Everyone is telling me how crazy the war zone is like now. Haiz. Like really so scary...

Oh man!

無事生非

2012-01-11T13:39:00.004+08:00

Ewwwww....
My Favourite!!!!

無事生非
曲：Johnny 詞：黃建洲編曲：JerryC

客廳裡那相片何時掛回了左邊
你沒帶走的襯衫被燙過幾遍
你一定回來過潛進這公寓裡面
要不然你的指紋怎會佈滿杯沿
誰為那魚缸換了水為那檯燈擦了灰
到底誰這樣鬼祟照料這一切

你明明就坐在對面你近得像迫在眉睫
原來是我在無事生非
分不清真實的時間拆不掉那些畫面
你一走我出現幻覺

我戴上鋼盔在防備感情留下的砲灰
無孔不入的回憶卻四處繁衍

你明明說下次再會我明明聽見你汗水
誰說是我在捏造是非
祇記得幸福曾拜會忘了忘記那滋味
那是我僅有的撫慰

牆壁上那鐘擺依然滯留在那天
舊回憶一刀未剪輪迴著上演

幸福

2012-01-04T16:08:00.001+08:00

我啊...
是幸福的。
人與人之間，撇除了家人，就是朋友了。
我，覺得很幸福、很幸福。
我的朋友們都很疼我。
住醫院時，真的很悶、很悶。
像啊夢天天都來陪我。
像啊Liew天天都陪我吃飯。
出院了，朋友怕我一個人在家會把自己的手煮熟來吃，要特地上來我家煮東西給我吃。
我...
是一個很任性的人。
自問從不是一個一百分的朋友。
喜怒隨心。
可是，我有很多兩百分的朋友！
我很幸運，總是被朋友寵著...
即便工作上時常碰釘子，還是會找到安慰。
我...
不敢太招搖。
怕這樣的幸福太張揚很容易一碰就碎。
但是，我還是忍不住想說，在我認識的朋友中，我，絕對是幸福的！！！=)
I...
Am definitely a very fortunate person.
In life, besides family, the next utmost important group of people would e friends.
And I am very fortunate, because most of my friends doted on me.
The recent op can be quite a torture at times, it was bored to stay in hospital and coping with all the side effects.
Ah Mong came and visit me everyday.
Trister came and have her meals with me everyday.
Even on discharge Peifen probably scared that I will cook my own hands at home alone offered to come and cook lunch for me, post night some more.
I...
Seriously never think that I am any great friend.
But I have a bunch of SWEETEST FRIENDS who really pamper me.
Even not at times like this, when I am down at work, they are always there to pick me up.
I agreed with Mong, God is fair.
When something is being taken away (luck at work), he always gives you something back (fantastic friends).
I am scared to speak of it, for I scared I will lose it when I recognized its presence.
But... I can't walk away without expressing HOW MUCH I appreciate all my great wonderful fantastically sweet friends.
Love you all~

Happy New Year~

2012-01-02T13:10:00.003+08:00

2012 is a new start for me.
Yup.
For those who know, I was admitted on the 29/12, for my eye op finally.
Went in at about 2pm, completed the whole thing at about 6pm and was just too dopey to feel anything until I think I start to hear someone coming next to my bed at about 8plus in the evening.
Seriously.
GREAT to see a familiar face when you wake up from anaesthesia.
Thank you Mong, for staying around, it was definitely not a short wait from the time I walked in at about 1plus in the afternoon and finally located me at about 8pm, 6 long solid hours of wait...
I really appreciate that.
Thanks for the sips of water that you have helped me in taking.
Thanks for removing the hot and stuffy canvas from the ambulance transfer behind my back.
Thanks for dropping by every day, be it like a 10 minutes short checking out or a slightly longer chat.
My first post op day was probably the best time I had during my immediate post op days, minimal pain, more energy. And I managed to stay awake the whole afternoon to talk to visitors. If not for the IV Methylprednisolone that I have to be on, I almost thought that it would be the best time and day for discharge.
Thank you Mo See, Dr Teoh, Dr Iris, Dr Lim, Sister Xu Yi, Sister Fung Chee, Mac, Alice, Angelina, Fad Fad, Xiuling, Trister, Choon Mei, for coming over to entertain me.
Day 2 was progressing fair, Thank you Stella, my little baby for coming over after her night shift to check on how I was doing, thanks Michelle for the soya bean you left on my table, and Alice who came over to drag me to the ward party preparation that makes me feels a little more distracted. Thank you 3rd aunt for coming over to visit. Shitian and my brother who dropped by. Thank you KK for sending the bear over (It's decided ok? Don't call it 七彩，I diarrhea and puked till 七彩, there has to be another name for the bear!)
With the more swollen eye and more lethargic as compare to the first day, the Dr has to start another antibiotics the Dr added on another antibiotics which started all the disaster.
I have always know that I would have diarrhea when I take Augmentin, one of the ampicillin group family drug, my highest record is 8 times in a day. This time, 7. But what adds on the agony was the cloaxacillin, another penicillin group of drug.
I was being woke up at 2am for a dose of cloax, and at 4am, I was being woke by a choking, burning sensation together with a sense of fullness at the back of the throat.
Day 3 was going downhill, the 4am drama is definitely something to remember for life of how it feels to have heartburn and there is nothing you can do about it.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
It didn't came to me as a side effect of the cloax at first, I was too busy coping with the sensation, I sat up and lean back , totally cannot lie down at all, breaking in cold sweat wanted that irritating feeling to go away till the tiredness took me away and I dozed off seating on bed.
Yet they went on with another day of antibiotics, with me having the agony of nausea, diarrhea, lost of appetite, I can't take drink properly.
Was kinda drowsy the whole morning because of all the symptoms, that even my baby Stella came and talked to me after her last night this round, I didn't even know that I dozed off again due to extreme tiredness. Only realized that she left because Xian came by to visit me. I can hardly swallow anything at all. That was and has to be the most horrible day during this stay.
Refused to be controlled and disturbed by all the symptoms, I walked around with Jasmine who came over to visit me in the afternoon. It gets kind of agonizing because you do not see an end to this, you don't know when you can go home, you don't when you should go home when they offered to let you home while you know it well that you are not yet ready for it because of the symptoms.

It suddenly hits me.
Dr Alethea Yee was right, the MOST uncomfortable sensation is not being constipated nor vomitting, it is when you want to puke but nothing comes out, the NAUSEA FEELING THAT YOU HAVE is driving you CRAZY.

When the dark falls I always feel scared, for I don't know if I would be able to sleep peacefully tonight or would I be waken up by the symptoms again.

And then, I started thinking about my patients.

Wonder how they have been facing all these in the hospital, and all that they rely on, is probably the little window that looks out to a world with different temperature. It is definitely depressing to stay in, I think, no nurse would be able to help to cope with that except for your own self.

I begin to feel more for my sick, long term patients and admire them more.

The sick, long path that they simply don't see any end to it.

At least I can still pray for time to go faster during this agonizing period, but for them, this is just simply mental torture.
It acted up again last night and I did not managed to sleep from 2 plus in the morning till 4 plus when I finally knocked out due to extreme tiredness, and I was again woke up because of a bad dream that I was fed to eat some burnt metallic plate that left me waking up vomiting.

And so...

The Dr say it would be better for me to stay as the vomiting has probably caused the increased in pressure in the eye causing it to be more swollen than yesterday.

Haiz.

I sorta like cried when Mong came and see me in the afternoon, the discomfort is simply too much to tell anyone.

Thank you Zhiwei for especially coming over on your off day, Mong's family made a trip up to visit me, Haziqah and Sakinah who came over during their break and not forgetting Trister who have been eating with me almost every day.

Really appreciate all the heartwarming greetings from everyone who know about this, including those wishes on Facebook.

路，还是漫长的，偶有痛苦，但有爱与关怀，总会让旅程缩短。

这个新年，不太冷。

The Day After Tomorrow

2011-12-29T03:03:00.001+08:00

I fear.
Still.
The day after tomorrow...
The world will still be spinning.
Life, will go on.
加油。

29.12.2011

2011-12-22T23:38:00.001+08:00

我期待•重生。

What Do You Make?

2011-12-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

"Oh, you're a Nurse? That's cool. I wanted to do that when I was a kid. What do you make?"

What do I make?
I make holding your hand seem like the biggest thing in the world when your Doctor just diagnosed you with cancer.
I can make 5 minutes seem like a lifetime when I am performing CPR on your family member.
I can make your children breathe when they stop.
I can help you survive a heart attack.
I make myself get out of bed everyday to risk my life to save and help people I have never met.
Today I might make the ultimate sacrifice to save your life.

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

What do you make?"

My Prayers

2011-12-03T22:51:00.001+08:00

I know.
It's tonight.
I walked in, and offered her prayers with her family.
Religion?
Not the reason for the boundary.
May peace, be with you dear.

命數

2011-12-01T00:05:00.002+08:00

每個人都有她既定的命數，該走的，誰都留不住，重要的是盡力了，那就夠了。或許該慶幸的，是她沒有受太多的苦。人啊~還是活在當下，珍惜現在的好...
I walked into the ward with one collapsed case that was resuscitating this morning...
We didn't managed to save the case.
One of my colleagues was very stressed over this, probably one thing is that this patient was with us for quite some time and is kinda close to some of us as she was really a very nice lady.
My colleague wondered how did I managed to cope back then when I was having my days whereby I have 5 resuscitation in 3 months and packed about 8 cases at the same time.
Well...
When time comes, you have to swallow it down I could only say.
Yup, they called me a jinx, knowing that so long as I worked, something will happen, good also turned bad.
As a matter of fact, I did, worked till to one point that I actually broke down because there were simply too much for me to take.
But...
LIFE HAS TO GO ON.
Everyone, from birth, is walking towards death.
Just a matter of when.
So long as, we helped, we know that we have put in our utmost effort...
對得起天地良心...
心安•理得。

安息

2011-11-22T11:04:00.001+08:00

說難過未免太矯情，畢竟，我祇是知道她的存在，卻從不曾真正的認識她。
但是說完全沒有影響，那絕對是騙人的。
心，還是會不舒服。
雖然幾乎每天都得面對這樣的事情，卻似乎永遠不會習慣。
也大概沒有多少人能習慣吧？
讀著facebook上一個一個悼念的訊息，很多同學都寫下了對人生的反思，有著更多的領悟。
如果每個人的一生都是一個沙漏，沙流完了就是生命的終結，祇能說，翠珊同學的沙漏得比較快，到了一個終結，可是我們其他人的沙漏還在流著。時間，依舊是忠實的循著它的腳步走下去，不曾為一個人、一件事而停留。縱然傷心、痛苦、難過，日子，還是繼續走著。
該說它公正還是無情？
數數，其實今年，失去了很多。
可是，那，應該就是人生的一部份吧？每個人，都必須面對、學習、反思、領悟、再超越。終有一天，我們也會循著此路而去。
上天的啓示，要我們停下腳步，想清楚，學著去愛惜身邊所有的人。
生命，有時因為失去而更豐美。
翠珊同學，請安息。
希望她的家人能節哀順變。

《最後一次》

2011-11-18T13:46:00.002+08:00

在我最後一次閉上眼睛之前，我想對你說：「我愛你」，在你懷裡，捨不得放棄，心裡還有千萬語還沒說給你聽。
我舍盡全力不想閉上眼睛，這次告別就不能再相遇，不能再陪你，但不要忘記，你曾經答應我你會好好活下去...

先走了，去了好遠的地方...
不能再陪你看日出，等不到天亮。
所有的回憶，抹去並不容易，生死由天決定你不要太傷心。

在我最後一次閉上眼睛之前，我想對你說：「我愛你」，在你懷裡，捨不得放棄，心裡還有千萬語還沒說給你聽。
我舍盡全力不想閉上眼睛，這次告別就不能再相遇，不能再陪你，但不要忘記，你曾經答應我你會好好活下去...

在我最後一次閉上眼睛之前，我想對你說：「我愛你」，在你懷裡，捨不得放棄，心裡還有千萬語還沒說給你聽。
我舍盡全力不想閉上眼睛，這次告別就不能再相遇，不能再陪你，但不要忘記，你曾經答應我你會好好活下去...

我永遠愛你...

Unwritten JD

2011-10-27T00:43:00.006+08:00

I swear it was an unwritten job description.

Being a sandbag.

My friend was just telling me how the patient put his leg around her neck and she almost suffocated.

And..

I was punched in the head today.

Worse is, there is nothing you can do.

*無奈*

I was focusing on preventing him to pull out his cannula, and didn't expect that he would threw the punch.

May be I should be glad, that my colleague was on the other side, and stopped him from further punch, and he missed my eye, only hit my head, if not I would become like 家有賤狗 that dog.

Oh well.

I don't know who is better, apparently he kicked one of my colleagues earlier on in the day...

I am only praying that everything will go fine tomorrow, seriously.

*Fingers crossed*

My New Baby

2011-10-20T01:16:00.002+08:00

I have a new task at work!

Yes, my very first "baby" in my 6 years of work! Amazing right?

As in, usually people at other places may be a year or two they would be expected to guide the newbies and me, 6 years to have my first!

Lol.

Probably because in my previous ward, there were a lot of seniors around and there is no need for me to take on that extra responsibility, and also due to my constant changing of department from the normal ward to the intensive care; from this company to another, more like I needed a guide than others! Lol.

It's really a new experience for me and...

FORTUNATELY, seriously, fortunately, my first baby is a very sweet and pleasant girl, and she had her final postings in the ward before though in different station, and her previous guide was one that has really high standards, it was quite alright to guide her despite of me having another 4 patients to take care of.

And I wonder if it is guiding her that gave me some form of distraction, the past 8 days of work week seems slightly more tolerable though I do feel the agony at the beginning looking at that 8-day long stretch.

I am still finding my ways to give her more to allow her to become stronger and independent soon, another lucky thing is that I have told her that I would very much prefer her to find out how to solve the problems when she run into them instead of expecting me to tell her of what to do, something which is very common in what I used to face, people spoon-feeding too much and I always forget to bring my brain to work and disaster happened once the hand that you can grab let go of you. *Oops*.

I really hope that I can be as good as my previous preceptor in ICU that is able to show her everything that she needs to know and so she can cope better without having to burn out. =)

她說(She Said)

2011-10-02T01:38:00.002+08:00

她說(She Said)

作詞：孫燕姿

作曲：林俊傑

她靜悄悄地來過她慢慢帶走沉默
只是最後的承諾還是沒有帶走了寂寞

我們愛的沒有錯只是美麗的獨秀太折磨
她說無所謂只要能在夜裡翻來覆去的時候有寄託
等不到天黑煙火不會太完美

回憶燒成灰還是等不到結尾
她曾說的無所謂我怕一天一天被摧毀
等不到天黑不敢凋謝的花蕾
綠葉在跟隨放開刺痛的滋味
今後不再怕天明我想只是害怕清醒

她靜悄悄地來過她慢慢帶走沉默
只是最後的承諾還是沒有帶走了寂寞

我們愛的沒有錯只是美麗的獨秀太折磨
她說無所謂只要能在夜裡翻來覆去的時候有寄託
等不到天黑煙火不會太完美

回憶燒成灰還是等不到結尾
她曾說的無所謂我怕一天一天被摧毀
等不到天黑不敢凋謝的花蕾
綠葉在跟隨放開刺痛的滋味
今後不再怕天明我想只是害怕清醒

等不到天黑煙火不會太完美
回憶燒成灰還是等不到結尾
她曾說的無所謂我怕一天一天被摧毀
等不到天黑不敢凋謝的花蕾
綠葉在跟隨放開刺痛的滋味
今後不再怕天明我想只是害怕清醒

不怕天明我想只是害怕清醒

Bidding Farewell.

2011-10-02T01:11:00.002+08:00

I went to see her.

Peaceful.

Definitely comforting to know that.

I have learnt another thing again today...

"The last of how your love ones look leaves the longest and deepest impression on your mind..."

I...

Suddenly remember how he look, the last very glance of him in the hospital.

This gave me a very good and hard lesson, on how we can do better to help the family to cope.

Her

2011-09-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

I saw her on Tuesday.
Last of her.
Sat at her bedside, holding her hand, telling her some practical stuff that she needed to know.
...
...
...
I just hope that she wasn't alone earlier, as what she is always afraid of.
There is an end to everything.
And I hope...
She can be in peace.

還是要幸福

2011-09-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

還是要幸福

作詞：徐世珍/司魚
作曲：張簡君偉
編曲：盧家宏、JerryC
製作：呂禎晃、郭文宗、張簡君偉

不確定就別親吻感情很容易毀了一個人
一個人若不夠狠愛淡了不離不棄多殘忍

你留下來的垃圾我一天一天總會丟完的
我甚至真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你還是要幸福我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據你的篇幅
明天開始這一切都結束

還我鑰匙的備份我覺得再見可以很單純
我甚至真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你還是要幸福我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據你的篇幅
明天開始這一切都結束

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你如果很幸福半夜的簡訊我就無需回覆
因為你的悲喜已經有了容身之處我也能有最純粹的孤獨

最孤獨的孤獨

*****************************************

...

｢你留下來的垃圾，我一天一天總會丟完的，我甚至真心真意的祝福，永恆在你的身上先發生... 你還是要幸福，你千萬不要再招惹別人哭，所有錯誤從我這裏落幕... 你還是要幸福，我才能確定我還得很清楚，確定自己再也不會佔據你的篇幅，明天開始這一切都結束... 我覺得再見可以很單純... 你如果很幸福，半夜的簡訊我就無需回覆，因為你的悲喜已經有了容身之處，我也能有最純粹的孤獨~~~｣

Ewwwwww.....

#4

2011-09-25T00:32:00.000+08:00

Another one.
It was a bad day, another bad day of mine.
What's new?
And may be...
All that I need, is just a company.
Words are not needed.
A shoulder.
A hug.
That, will do just fine.

If the End is Near...

2011-09-16T11:08:00.002+08:00

If the end is near, how many of us would want to know about it?

Working in the hospital, it is kind of often that we have requests from the family members in not letting the patients to know that their prognosis is bad or even the fact that they are only left with days to live. To the extreme, some of the patients doesn't even have a clue that they have cancers just because the family members think that by letting them to know of their condition, they will "DEFINITELY lost all hopes" (which seriously, I don't know how they did it as once treatment started, the patient would definitely know or suspect something; or unless the patient know about it but also see what the family want and just pretend that he/she is naive from knowing that. I am quite sure you would sense something when your body condition is changing right? Who wouldn't?).

I guess that is just a part of Asian culture?

Seriously speaking, if it is me that is nearing to the end, I would want to know about it. Knowing it might not change the condition for sure, but it could help me to give me time to do closure to those that I love, and for those that loved me. If you were to ask me what I would do, frankly speaking, I am kinda clueless. Yet I know for sure I would wanna do something.

Still remember of watching one of the local programmes that talked about a young woman who had breast cancer and she was dying. In her very final days, she started writing journals for her young children so that they could read them when she was gone.

May be, that is what I would do.

Writing letters to those that have filled my life with colors...

Journals for my love ones... So that they know that I am still existing, though in the other forms that they might not be able to see.

And hopefully, that could bring some peace to them.

魔鬼中的天使

2011-09-07T01:38:00.002+08:00

魔鬼中的天使

田馥甄

作詞：姚若龍

作曲：陳小霞
編曲：王治平

製作：王治平、馬毓芬

把太細的神經割掉

會不會比較睡得著

我的心有座灰色的監牢

關著一票黑色念頭在吼叫

把太硬的脾氣抽掉

會不會比較被明瞭

你可以重重把我給打倒

但是想都別想我求饒

你是魔鬼中的天使

所以送我心碎的方式

是讓我笑到最後一秒為止

才發現自己胸口插了一把刀子

你是魔鬼中的天使

讓恨變成太俗氣的事

從眼裡流下謝謝兩個字

儘管叫我瘋子不准叫我傻子

把太硬的脾氣抽掉

會不會比較被明瞭

你可以重重把我給打倒

但是想都別想我求饒

你是魔鬼中的天使

所以送我心碎的方式

是讓我笑到最後一秒為止

才發現自己胸口插了一把刀子

你是魔鬼中的天使

讓恨變成太俗氣的事

從眼裡流下謝謝兩個字

儘管叫我瘋子不准叫我傻子

隨人去拼湊我們的故事

我懶得解釋愛怎麼解釋

當誰想看我碎裂的樣子

我已經又頑強重生一次

你是魔鬼中的天使

所以送我心碎的方式

是讓我笑到最後一秒為止

才發現自己胸口插了一把刀子

你是魔鬼中的天使

讓恨變成太俗氣的事

從眼裡流下謝謝兩個字

儘管叫我瘋子不准叫我傻子

妳---田馥甄

2011-09-05T16:47:00.002+08:00

妳
田馥甄
作詞：吳青峰
作曲：吳青峰
編曲：黃雨勳
製作：王治平、郭文宗

黑夜妳獨自面對多少的夢魘我不瞭解
但我知道藍天終究會出現
暴雨的終點是一片草原
看著妳偶爾清醒偶爾睡偶爾沮喪掉下淚
妳的痛我永遠無法體會但我明白我的心和妳同一邊

那些巨大的狂烈搖晃你世界一夕之間
但我看見一切都不曾改變
妳笑開的臉像一朵玫瑰
等著妳偶爾放晴偶爾灰偶爾想逃回從前
妳的痛我不能代替一點但我多想時間能走得快一些

心越漆黑夢越燦爛紛飛

陪著妳偶爾信心偶爾累偶爾堅強到心碎
最寂寞是痛找不到語言但我希望我的歌到妳心裡面

太陽出現曬妳那所有的妳

****************************************************

Do occasionally feel this with my patients.

Love this new song by Hebe.

Think her new album is somewhat the type of music that I like.

那些殺不死你的，必會使你更加強大...

2011-09-03T14:07:00.002+08:00

如果說，壓力會讓人成長...
那過去那漫長的一週，我絕對老了不少。
｢那些殺不死你的，必會使你更加強大。｣

C

2011-08-30T22:26:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder...
For what we worked so hard?
We do what we can, we tried what we could, but end of the day...
值得嗎？
Not even asking for appreciation, anyway, that, to me, it is a bonus.
But at least, not this.
What do you hope to achieve in this?
Peace?
Like how?
Leaving no peace for others???

What if-s

2011-08-28T11:09:00.009+08:00

Sometimes I do wonder, are we having too much complains and less appreciative of what we have because we only focus on what we do not own.
And then, I started asking myself a whole lot of "what if-s".
What if, there are no nurses on Earth?
Who would stay up in the night, monitoring, informing the doctors that you are unwell, turning you, feeding you, assisting you to toilet, cleaning you up, managing your pain and wounds, carrying out doctors orders, planning for your discharge, contacting all the allied health services to come and see you?
Don't we just deserve a simple "thank you" than all your accusations of us not being presence?
Ghost must have attended to you then.
And, I guess we always have to prioritize in life, I believe drawing the curtains for you will never be as vital as someone who is being cannulated half way; and I believe that getting a cream for you to soothe the pain is not as vital as someone having their blood pressure crashing next to you.
And, I must stress that I am NOT saying that it is not important at all, because it is to your comfort, they are OF COURSE IMPORTANT, but comparatively, I would rank my errands list as accordingly, no matter how many times you asked me, because where life is concerned, there is no second golden answer. We look at the clinically more unstable people FIRST.
Sigh.
Sorry for the diversion of thoughts.
Anyway, after that I think again...
What if there is no doctors?
Yeah, then who will be around to see, diagnose and advice you on what to do when you are unwell and unsure of what you could do?
And then...
It suddenly strike me again...
What if...
There is NO PATIENTS?
Hmm... I guess that could be the only thing that everyone can be happy about?
Because when there is no patients, there is no illness! When there is no illness, there is no AGONY!
And I hope by then, the world would be a more pleasant place to live in~~~

90後

2011-08-18T05:08:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wished I could do it...
By just saying "I don't know what to do!"
Then just walked off.
The point is, a problem existed that means it is there. If there is a problem, FIXED IT!
I don't know how these people can live with just walking off like that.
Why do I have to clean the mess created by others?
And... Why am I getting the full blame when the others also have their responsibilities in the issue?
At least I stepped out to fix it.

經驗

2011-08-13T19:31:00.003+08:00

經驗，是由慘痛的教訓累積而來的。
Though I really hope I didn't gain them in such ways.
或許，我該慶幸的。
因為，發現的是我而不是他們。
It may come as a shock, but I really hope that they can accept it well and think of their plans.
And I hope they didn't come down too harsh on them.

Look on the bright side

2011-08-05T02:40:00.001+08:00

Just completee my first round of night after like... 10 months?
Just enough to deliver a kid man.
Lol.
Work is still as bad, I mean, still consider as toxic.
When I took over on second night someone almost collapsed due to a reaction to a drug.
Last night when I took over another one found unresponsive and I have to activate an emergency code for help, it was freaking busy until early in the morning first thing Weiting did when she came was to ask me "Aye yo, what happened to you AGAIN?"
Yet...
Look on the bright side, good thing is that when the reaction took place it happened right before the handover and we have enough staffing to handle the issue, imagine if they handed over to me then let me to put up and the reaction occurs...
Look on the bright side, good thing that the relatives of the client was around though it was like a last minute suggestion for him to stay to help us to look after the client who don't really follow instruction, if not we won't be alerted so soon that he lost his consciousness.
Look on the bright side, good thing that Mong was also on night on the next counter, and her colleagues are really very very helpful to help me to push the crash cart when my other colleagues are busy with the other admission.
Look on the bright side my boss gave me good support when she witnessed that I was really running around the whole night by telling me "just do what I need to and don't worry too much" on not being able to complete my work.
Look on the bright side, my current colleagues are really very understanding and they know that I had a whole night of mess to handle, helping me to prepare the client to transfer that it was done within like 15minute with all their help.
Look on the bright side, the worst shift happened in my last night in the round, not the first, second or third night, otherwise the round of night shift would made me feel really dreadful.
Look on the bright side has become my new tagline.
But...
It did made all these stressful moments REALLY REALLY MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER.
I thank God for that.
=)

Meanie Me

2011-07-25T01:33:00.003+08:00

Kinda mean at times.
Well...
The other day I was at Daiso, and this middle aged lady approached me and asked, "where are all the scissors put?"
I was not in one of my best mood days, gave her a glance and replied, "I don't know, I don't work here you know?" and I walked off while I saw her gave me a look as though I have done something very wrong to her.
Hello.
Even though Daiso is not that small, but they do categorize their products, if you are looking for scissors, just look at the stationary section, if you really cannot find you should approached those that are employed by Daiso, even if you ask me I won't know and will have to look for it as you do right? You are not that old that you can't find it on your own also. I would blame it all on your laziness to search.
The other night June and I left work at 2330hrs and we were running hoping to catch a train but the train we have board stopped at Ang Mo Kio.
And a lady approached us and asked, "excuse me, is that the last train?"
I told June that if I were not in uniform, I would probably asked her "Do I look like I own the MRT lines?" or "Do I look like I drive the trains?"
I don't know.
Some people just asked questions without thinking if they are asking the right person.
In simple terms, asked without using their brains.
It DOES NOT mean that people in uniform = know everything.
I may be in uniform, but it doesn't mean that I need to provide you with directions on where to go and look for what, such as which bus is going to which road. There are directories for you to check at bus stop, a control station that can tell you if that was the last train and shopkeeper telling you where the scissors are located!
And yesh...
I am not a very nice person to start with afterall.

Blessed

2011-07-25T00:49:00.005+08:00

The past week had been one of my longest week at work.
Whenever I am working, my shift are nothing but busy, I am practically walking as though I have wheels fixed beneath my soles.
The packing has not stopped yet, and keep having people falling very ill, people collapsing, multiple procedures and things happening all at the same time still going on; I can have complex cases to very simple cases that all other shifts it was fine till my time; for example, I can have 3 patients on long lines and of which 2 were blocked that took me time to unblock them.
Not that I didn't try to plan, but all the planning that others would think is rational always comes with "surprises" which I don't like them at all.
I was kinda stressed out and felt a lil dejected when everything went wrong (Practically everything, you named it, I have it.).
And...
My ex-advanced diploma classmates who are now my colleagues saw, they gave me a lil' surprise the day before.
=)

Peifen said hope that this cat will bring me better luck.

I just burst into tears when she passed this to me.
It was the thoughts that count, seriously.
No one, is obligated to do this for me, but they did.
Mong left me a muffin on my work table on Tuesday, while I was busy with an ill patient that was later sent for higher care.
Shirley bought me a packet of chicken rice on Thursday knowing that I won't have time for break and keep reminding me to eat even though she has left for home.
Guan Yi bought me a packet of milo on Saturday when she know that I was so caught up in sending patients for scans and running around helping my new colleague to settle things.
Peifen passed me this on Saturday, telling me that patients chose to pass on in my shift because I made them very comfortable.
點滴在心頭...
Like I say, they could just jolly well walk off and pretend that there is nothing happened, anyway it does not really concern them, but...
My this group of "battle mates" are truely very supportive.
I am...
Very blessed indeed, to have them in my life...
As my friends.
As my colleagues.
=)

哭

2011-07-19T11:59:00.005+08:00

我...
很愛哭。
也很會哭。
Sometimes I can just cry for the weirdest reason that nobody can understand.
I remember how I burst into tears when Bharathi helped me to settle my work when both my hands are tied with some other patients.
I remember how I cried because Mong saved a piece of rice cake for me and walked out of the convenient store with a cup noodles after one of my real long and hard day.
I guess all of us just had a certain button that if anyone pushed on it, you will just cry.
有時候我覺得我也很奇怪。
One odd circumstances that I just can't cry when it's considered as a time when everyone should feel upset, that would be the time when a lot of people are crying at the same place. My tear duct will just automatically be blocked.
I realized that when...
My uncle passed away a couple of years ago.
I got the news when I was working. I broke down at the counter at work.
But when I reached the hospital, I saw a number of my family members crying there, and my tears just stopped flowing, though there are some bitterness remained in my heart.
The other day, another patient gone, the family turned hysterical and few of my colleagues were holding their tears...
I am the odd one there standing, appeared indifferent but the pain was deep inside, I felt it pinching, but my focus was all on giving support.
其實...
或許，眼淚之於我，是一種最快、最有效的de-stress方法，每一次哭完，我的思路反而更清晰。可能是情緒爆發完了後我有更多的空間思考吧？
不知道別人會不會也是這樣ㄟ？

Please call me champion叫我第一名！

2011-07-02T01:07:00.005+08:00

Please call me champion.
叫我第一名！
The number one JINCO in the ward.
Packed 2 admit 3, with TPN and numerous IVs to give with no IV nurse who can help me with all these. Siting cannula, explaining procedures, making arrangements...
And keep being stopped and bombarded questions which I don't know when was the thing even started since when I asked the last shift they have no idea too!
I have to solve them.
My colleague told me today, "it's funny to know people like you exist."
I asked her why and she said, "it's funny because I have NEVER seen anyone like you, who always have everything and anything that happened at the same time in ONE shift! (Indeed a jinx, agreed and proven.)"
*FML*
Call me CHAMPION, for being the biggest JINCO in the ward.
Luckily my next shift staff saw the ward when they came, spare me from hooking up a chemotherapy bag, though I did the lock for the patient so that she can go for shower.
I work until I don't know where is my left right up and down.
And...
Of course, not forgetting Mong who was so sweet, saw that I am really tied, bought me a cup noodle so that I can eat it when I was finishing up my work after I hand over.
Haiz.
To twist this to a positive thinking mode, I think...
Ok, I was supposed to have 2 TPNs to hook up; 1 was cancelled.
With 2 chemotherapy to put up, that was yesterday shift.
And let alone the rest of the IV medication.
And... Luckily the 2 packed case did not come together.
And both the admission are not having a very big issue, just that I do not have the time to talk to the patients at all.
Oh yeah, and the 3rd case I closed within a week, the 4th case I closed within 2 weeks; and within this month of return to work, I have lost count on how many. I JUST REALIZED THAT!

Her

2011-06-28T21:08:00.004+08:00

I wonder...
Did I do it right?
I saw her fear, the fear of drowning.
She was frightened, and she grabbed me as though I am that only float that is within her reach in the middle of the ocean.
So...
I stayed, hugged her, consoled her, asked her to relax.
That is...
The very least that I could do.
The only thing that I could do.

Working Life

2011-06-22T01:28:00.003+08:00

The ward was like a mad house (I don't want to use the word 'has been', for I don't really wish to have this an on-going description).

No breaks.

No drink, not even time for a sip of water.

No toilet.

Luxurious life as a student had gone for good.

Welcome back~

I need to get my momentum back as soon as possible, because I am going on night in the coming roster! It has been SO LONGGGGG since I last went on night, I need more blessings.

No more patient attempting to scratch/slap me.

No more patient playing with the call bell, press and tell me "I didn't press the bell".

No more patient playing took the call bell as a Wii nunchuk.

No more pulling out plug.

No more crawling out of bed.

I need some peace.

And...

I need food.

Despite of all the madness in the ward, I think if Mong really bring out that cup noodle and was really really for me right at the start, I think I would just cry till cannot stop, though in the end she did give me that piping hot cup noodles, and it did touch me quite a bit for the rice cake that she kept for me.

And not forgetting Fadhlina who waited for me for the past 2 days after work to walk down together and for that bottle of coke. =)

Wanna hug the both of you~ (T.T)

*Thank you Babes~* for making these horrible days MUCH better.

Where?

2011-06-20T00:41:00.004+08:00

I think...
Having away from work for 8 months really make a lot of difference.
The other day I was handing over to Weiting, and was telling her that one of the patient has a CT scan on the following day and she asked, "Where?"
It was just a natural respond (I swear it is really unintentional), and I just replied her, "in *the hospital* (hospital name)?"
And she stoned while all the other colleagues beside us burst into laughter.
I was still lost in why are they all laughing, and Weiting was like trying to tell me with a little awkward, "Err... I mean, scan which part of the body?"
My ears turned hot almost immediately, it was super embarrassing!
It was just so natural for me and Ma El thought that I am playing with Weiting but..
I replied her seriously.
Oops.
What a joke I have made?
Haiz.
Results of 8 months away?

Excuse me but... WTF?!

2011-06-10T00:41:00.005+08:00

Pissed off number 1

Why can't some people just understand and accept that I am NEITHER GOD OR GENIUS that I won't know EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING?

Sometimes I really hate to meet new people and let them know about my profession because it will NEVER FAIL to turn into a "medical consultation". It's tiring enough to face the daily routine and I think I deserve my break time off work, completely NOTHING to do with MEDICAL.

Pissed?

Yes.

And they just have to give you the "you mean you don't know? HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?" response or look.

E-X-C-U-S-E M-E.

WHY THE HELL MUST I KNOW when in the first place you probably are also not the "I-KNOW-IT-ALL" in your own profession as well.

Medicine is constantly advancing, knowledge we have today might be proven totally otherwise in the next day, we could only keep up to whatever we chance upon.

And PLEASE do NOT forget.

I AM A N-O-R-M-A-L H-U-M-A-N B-E-I-N-G.

And I define that as having 2 eyes, 1 nose, 1 mouth, 1 head, 1 brain, with 2 upper limbs and 2 lower limbs attached to a NORMAL trunk.

I couldn't possibly remember EVERYTHING ON EARTH.

I need to eat, drink, sleep, work, eliminate like any normal beings does...

So please keep that look from your face and stop having doubts like that and let me look down on your intelligence,

or...

May be you don't even have a proper normal functioning brain like I do, then you are excused.

********************************************************

Pissed off number 2

Some people are overly "passionate" and they don't see what people actually need.

And... A lot of people like to "act smart", which one of the seniors call this group of people as "Dr Quack".

Those that just love prying into other people's business giving hundred and one irresponsible comments and recommendations to the victim.

The story goes like this...

The boy is sick, and the boy's parent's friend who worked as a clinic assistant heard about it and started "prescribing" drugs like antibiotics to the boy, without considering the cause of it and examine the possibilities, just because based on personal experience that the drug is good.

What if the boy having an allergy, suffered great side effects from this what I would term it as "irresponsible prescription" by the "Dr Quack" and eventually passed on, is that bogus Quack going to take the responsibility? What will the parent think in the end? Blame the "passionate friend"

It is exactly how antibiotics were being abused that now we are having SO MANY drug resistant bugs that sooner or later there won't be any drug to use for cure should any bug mutate.

When can people learn?!

And when the boy refused the drug that the "passionate friend" "prescribed", the parent got upset and furious.

Thanks lor "passionate friend", you have caused turmoil in a happy family and spoiled a peaceful night!

Seriously...

Respect is self earned, insult is what you have asked for. Stay out of business that is none of yours and especially when you are not really a expert in the field.

And I will rest my case.

愛笑卻不開心的人(Quote)

2011-05-26T22:33:00.001+08:00

她們在臉上放著比平常人還要多的笑容
並不代表她們比別人開心
而是代表著有太多的心痛

有很多人
表面看起來非常的開心
總是能跟你嘻嘻哈哈
她們總是能在你傷心難過時逗你笑、安慰你的人
其實
她們才是真正需要被安慰的人

她們若在朋友面前被大聲指責
而朋友嚇到了
被罵的她們看起來一定是還是笑哈哈
反而會叫朋友不要在意

她們看起來很堅強
因為她們逼自己堅強
在眾人的眼裡
她們不管遇到什麼事情都能微笑面對
她們可能是大家的開心果
但真的是如此嗎?...............

因為她們要裝堅強
她們不想把自己的情緒表達出來
她們總是把自己的難過放在心理的最深處
寧願自己崩潰
也不想告訴別人自己是有多麼的傷、多麼的痛

她們的心靈是最脆弱的
她們是最孤單的、最需要有人陪的

在夜深人靜的時候
她們可能會躲在棉被嚎啕大哭
她們可能坐在窗邊流淚
她們可能趴在桌上哭泣
埋怨著自己為什麼這麼軟弱

她們背對你的時候可能在難過
但她們一回頭面對你的
一定是
笑容
虛偽的笑容

即使她們被發現自己再難過
她也會給你一個微笑然後說
【無所謂了啦!這又不算什麼】

她們如果願意在你面前哭泣
那就代表她真的把你當作非常要好的朋友
那就代表她真的非常信任你
那就對表他願意把自己的難過心事告訴你

她們很單純
她們真的很單純
她們好像什麼都很厲害
什麼事情都能解決
她們最喜歡出現在難過人的面前
逗他們笑、安慰她們。叫他們想開一點

而自己的痛苦要怎麼解決
毫無對策
只能放任心底的秘密慢慢裂開

現在笑對她們來說
就像每天早上起來要先刷牙一樣了
她們已經笑到麻痺了
也哭到麻痺了

如果你身邊有這種朋友
請妳關心她
讓她信任你
願意把心情分享給你
說不定妳一句關心的話
可以使一個人活更久
可以使一個人發自內心的微笑

又或者
你就是愛笑卻不開心的人
那麼請妳
去找一個你願意把心事說給他聽的人
這樣
會使你更好

男孩像你

2011-05-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

Love this....

HCA Posting

2011-05-12T01:02:00.003+08:00

Just "so-called" finished with my case study for presentation tomorrow, hopefully it is sufficient as what is wanted, succinct as requested by the lecturer.
Was with HCA hospice last week went around for home visits to those who are ill and requires symptoms management, this group of patients can ranged from those that are quite alright to those that are really terminally ill.
Remember almost all my classmates will have something to share on facebook after the postings while I didn't really do so as compare, because there are simply too much to share.
My conclusion to the week of home visits is 家家有本難念的經，或許，祇要自己的經書不太難唸，我們就該感恩，而不是一味抱怨...學著去欣賞自家經書那澀中帶甜的味道，也是一種智慧吧？ (To every household there tend to be some problems, so long as the problem is not too disturbing, we should be grateful for that... It is a kind of wisdom to learn to appreciate the bittersweet moment in life too.)
I saw a lot of family problems, there are some families who are REALLY very very supportive despite of the fact that the patients can be really quite sick at times.
There was this day that I was at this double storey HDB flat, with an old lady lying in bed, gasping for air as though any minute it could be her last.
The house, was in those still quietness with no one, but the maid at home.
I sympathize that old lady.
Our mother took the risk to carry us, deliver us safely; our parents brought us up with much patience and love which I believe the children could never do enough to repay for that.
Think.
When we were a baby, we need to be fed, sometimes even at some wee hours as 3-4am.
Ask yourself,
If one day your parents/in-laws are so frail that they cannot even hold a spoon properly, would we feed them?
Think.
When we were young, we cannot control our bowels, our parents cleanse for us, washed us and made us comfortable.
Ask yourself,
If one day your parents/in-laws becomes incontinent, would you be able to do the same?
Think.
When we were young, our legs were short, our parents took smaller steps for us to catch up.
Ask yourself,
How long have you not been walking side by side with your parents/in-laws?
Think.
When we were sick, our parents/in-laws worry sick for us/our better half without much rest until we are well.
Ask yourself,
If our parents/in-laws are sick, who is the last one that stayed by the bed side?
I saw the fear, the fear on some of their face while asking me, "nurse, am I dying?"
And I know that all that they need, is a familiar face telling them, "don't fret, for I will be around to face this with you, we will fight together till the end."
Not everyone can see that.
It is SO often that in their last breathe, the one who stayed with them is not someone who is blood-related to them.
IT IS SURE SAD.
Being diagnosed with cancer is a LONG, LONELY battle. Not everyone can understand the implcations.
Moreover to fight it alone, or with someone unknown.
Why do I have to drag the "in-laws" earlier?
I guess it is just the society values, people nowadays are very self centered. It is not uncommon to see or hear things as "my parents is your parents but your parents has nothing to do with me" without remembering that if not for that "nothing to do with your parents" where did the person you claimed that you love came from? Stone? There is only one Monkey God for goodness sake.
It pains me to see the Granny lying in bed all alone, moaning while the whole house is empty.
So what if you can pay for the best maid?
So what if you could give a shelther?
So what if you could buy the most expensive suppliments for them?
SO WHAT?
S-O W-H-A-T?!?!?!
THEY CAN'T EVEN EAT WHEN THEY ARE SO ILL!
Sigh.
I was so disturbed and I wrote this, 這是一個奇怪的世界，有些兒女以為請了女傭有吃有住有錢給了父母就算了，卻往往最忽略了人生走到盡頭父母最需要的不是一張高級床褥山珍海味，而是一張熟悉能讓他們安心的面孔對他們說一句「別怕有我在陪你面對這即將到來的必然」，這才是無價。死了就甚麼都來不及了，陪屁啊？
Am I a little too agitated?
But just put yourself into their shoes, is that what you want in future?

愛就對了

2011-04-25T00:45:00.003+08:00

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
愛就對了
OT：Angel
詞曲：Kate Elizabeth Voegele
中文詞：施人誠
編曲：洪信傑
製作人：黃怡/王治平/陳秀珠

總是要流一些滾燙熱淚
才能換來對愛的體會
妳看　世界沒有毀滅　心也沒有碎
其他的就交給時間解決

妳當然可以重新再愛
受過傷的更懂怎樣愛與被愛
所以　別再沉溺有他的回憶
有空再回憶　離開妳的只有他但是愛還在

＊聽我說　愛是對的　錯的是我們
　還沒學會愛　就急著愛人　而愛錯人
　可是　愛就對了　遇到下一個
　愛上就愛了　痛苦或快樂　都是獲得
　oh~oh~

我當然經歷過妳現在的感受
我想那是人必經的折磨　yeh~
也許　每個人都該是某個人　成長的助手
受一點苦痛幫助他成熟

Repeat ＊

別探聽他的線索　別等待他會回頭
愛~不喜歡看人軟弱
別繼續把心封鎖　別躲在傷心裡頭
愛~萬一來了別錯過

愛是對的　錯的是我們
還沒學會愛　就急著愛人　而愛錯人
可是　愛就對了　遇到下一個
愛上就愛了　痛苦或快樂　都是獲得 Oh~

＃聽我說　愛是對的　錯的是別人
　自以為懂愛　才會又愛人　又傷害人
　可是　愛就對了　愛了就值得
　愛這門功課　艱深但快樂　愛就對了 Oh~

Repeat ＃

愛來了別錯過

Quotes

2011-04-24T16:23:00.002+08:00

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie.

Something Interesting

2011-04-06T12:57:00.004+08:00

Was reading some news online and I came across this.

"...另外銫在魚肉內會稀釋，食用這些魚不會有即時危險。..." (... And Cesium level will be lowered after being absorbed by the fish, eating fishes that contains this won't have imminent risk...) (Yahoo! HK News)

I always find that sometimes people have to be smart, speak smart and LISTEN smart, the other half that is unsaid is the most important part.

Ok, no IMMEDIATE risk, what about in the long run? Does that mean that there would be some form of harm/damage like years later?

Bet that is just another way to calm people down and hoping that the general public won't notice the other part of the "unsaid" story??

And this,

"... 到人類食用時早已變成相當微量，危險性很低..." [... When it is down to the human food chain the level would be insignificant and the risk is relatively LOW..."] (Yahoo! HK News)

*Ahem*.

As far as I understand from this, LOW risk doesn't mean NO risk.

Clever way to talk, no responsibilities.

Good job done!

Thumbs up to the whoever have said this.

And good luck everyone!

發牢騷

2011-03-25T23:57:00.009+08:00

Shall keep this post in Chinese, think I am more well verse in this still...
讀不下書，就上來發泄一下吧。
該從哪裡開始，該怎麼說呢？
最近真的發生好多事，有好的，當然也會有不好的。
或許，人也是一樣。
世界上，沒有完美的人。
追求完美本身就是一個缺點。
記得我那個失了蹤的朋友婷講過：｢我們應該謹言慎行，寧願咬傷自己的舌頭，也不要隨意說出傷害別人的話。」
金句...
我銘記於心。
我，經常很努力的提醒自己，在開口批評別人前，想想自己是不是毫無瑕疵？是否有資格說出這些評論？
當然，偶爾發發牢騷無可厚非，舒緩一下壓力，說了就算了。
前提是，這些牢騷儘量少，也儘量不要傷害到別人，畢竟將心比心，如果被說的是自己，那你覺得好過嗎？
你可能會說：「別人也是這樣說，為甚麼我不能這麼做？」
如果，那個人是你這麼不喜歡的，那你幹嗎要跟他做一樣的事？那你跟你不喜歡的那個他又有甚麼分別？
我不知道。
也不懂。
有些人，總是抱怨他們的世界太複雜，總是抱怨他們的世界太亂。
可是，到底是世界本身複雜，還是是人類把她複雜化了呢？
如果每個人能多釋放一點點的愛，一點點的善意，是否有很多的紛爭都會化煙塵？
上帝，教人博愛。
耶穌，教人寬恕。
佛祖，四大皆空。
儒家，無為而治。
說真的，人嘛，匆匆忙忙，庸庸碌碌，一生很快就過。
與其抱著討厭與怨恨一堆垃圾情緒走這一遭，為甚麼不能學著放開？
不知道。
或許，我們太習慣戴著放大鏡去看別人的缺點；又太習慣對別人的優點視而不見了。
或許...
我，也一樣。
寫著這個的我，也許...
也在犯著同樣的錯誤吧？
或許...
我太天真。
祇是發發牢騷。

Lecture

2011-03-18T02:28:00.001+08:00

A simple lecture that rake up some painful memories of the past.
Haiz.

A Special Kind of Love

2011-02-19T23:36:00.004+08:00

My classmate has shared 2 stories that she witness at her clinical postings, and I think it is worth sharing...
*****************************************************
A special kind of love
by Juzmean Tea on Thursday, 17 February 2011 at 00:12

today i witnessed a special kind of love
i met a blind lady and a blind man..they.lost thier way
i thought that they were just friends
and got to know that they are husband and wife
something special about them is that
They both got married 20 years ago when both were blind

they cook for each other, go marketing together, go shopping together by bus and train
he was holding her hand and his cane
she was holding his hand and her cane

the wife got a bell tied to her cane and the husband got none...
so i Asked why only the wife's cane got bells...he said...so that he can hear her and find her...

i dropped his wife fork and i asked him to eat first while i get the fork,
when i'm back he gave his wife the fork, making sure she eats first because she was fasted that morning

he told me he came to hospital himself a couple of times while his wife was hospitalised, groping his way through to come hospital
when his wife accidentally knocked into the glass door....he was worried and blamed himself for not guiding her properly but actually it was my fault (bleah)

it may seems simple, nothing special, but as i was sitting there looking at them...it was those little actions that touched me....

cos it makes me realised, love is really BLIND....it is not loving someone because he/she is good looking or rich or special
but is because you can feel each other and truly love each other with your heart, even when you can;t see
it is loving someone even though he/ she is not perfect or got imperfection
it is helping your partner even though you are in the same shoe as him/her
it is placing your love one above yourself and suppot her, even though you know you are not very capable but at least you try
it is the little things you do for each other that demonstrates the love for each other....it is more than just " i love you", it is i accept you no matter who you are.....
it doesn't mean they are blind they are incapable of loving someone....as long as the feeling for each other is real , nothing can stop them

***********************************************************

another special kind of love....true story...

(SORRY FOR THE LATE ENTRY COS IT JUST STRIKES ME)

There was this lady, worked hard as a slave when she was young, cos her family was poor and she had to support her family
She got married and thought perhaps life will be easier,
but her husband was lazy to work, and she was the sole breadwinner
one day, her husband left her, without even telling her....
she was very upset, and she had to work hard to raise her only son
After working hard like a slave for 20 over years, her son got married and abandoned her
And there was no news of her husband,
somewhere during that period she was diagnose with cancer and has to go for surgery and high dose chemotherapy
one day , suddenly, her husband came back to her, after he failed his business
After so many years, so many years of missing out in her life, not even there for her when she needed him, made her go through so much hardship
this lady, accepted her husband-------i was like WOW..........i dun think i got such a big heart
subsequently,, this lady became very ill, and lost her sight due to chemo,
eventually,after battling the disease, , she recovered, but,...turned blind
unfortunately, her husband became demented, and relied on her to take care of him...
No income,
Blind,
no other carer...
stilll she is willing to take this ordeal,
change and bath him when he dirtied himself,
cooked for him
and have to bring him to doctor to check up,
find him when he ran out of house

and when she is sicked, admitted to hospital...she is more worried about someone taking care of her husband than her health...
and now her husband is sick....she is so worried....

Love is so powerful that she can accept him even he has done all these to her and eventually she has to take care of him.....refused to even bring him to nursing home...

i'm really....touched....and speechless
**********************************************************

Many friends and relatives asked me, "Why oncology?"

I guess this is exactly like what Peifen said, there is a lot of things that the outsiders won't see and it actually helps us to understand and find meaning of life in this field of nursing.

And...

It is very attractive, at least that is how I feel.

Uniform Syndrome

2011-02-19T03:12:00.002+08:00

I wonder if it is just me.

When I am in uniform, I mean not only that usual uniform I wore when I was at work, but the student uniform people just keep approaching for directions and they expect you to know.

I mean, if it is within the hospital permises I can understand why (even though I feel that they must have the mentality that some of the students do not work at the hospital at all). BUT I am kinda curious, do we look like a walking street directory?

Having someone to ask where is the MRT toilet is kinda like...

WEIRD.

Seriously, don't they think that they should ask the MRT station staff? I think they can provide a much better answer than we do.

And...

I think it is also pretty weird for people at the bus stop asking for buses to take to specific places when...

I am NOT a BUS GUIDE.

And...

There is a directory board at the bus stop, is it SO DIFFICULT to read that? Or is it just plain laziness to read and search?

I have lost count on how many times that I have to go through that board to help them to find places just because I am in uniform.

Not that I am not helpful, just imagine walking out of the campus compound and having like at least 5 person stopping you asking for directions to all sorts of places, not only within the hospital but asking what bus to take to Hougang, Bukit Merah etc etc....

May be it is just an "uniform" syndrome that people just have the mentality that those in uniform are more approachable?

*Shrug*

Another One

2011-02-12T22:13:00.001+08:00

Another one.
And I begin to ask myself...
Why.

Last Field Visit

2011-02-05T01:27:00.003+08:00

Was at Dover Park Hospice for field visit on Tuesday, which is actually our last field visit for the course.

Didn't expect them to show us such a video about the journey of two patients and so many of us are like crying after the video. It was kinda sad to see how the two get to know each other and it just make people feel very sad when one bed is empty after the person left.

And their wish is SO SIMPLE, just to be able to go out and had a "San Lao Noodle" in Chinatown.

That makes me started thinking...

It is really a blessing to be up and about, seriously, seeing how they deteriorate is bad; seeing how difficult it was to fulfil that simple wish is worse.

-Sigh-

Anyway...

Had a great lunch with CPF, Jasmine, Selene, Bizi, Miaomiao, Em and Mong after that and had a lot of fun. Have even started a group with their suggestions so as to have some fun for the upcoming stressful period. Begin to love my classmates more and more and am gonna miss them for the next month when we are all out for real postings.

Hmm... Been SOOOO LONG since I last prick people, kinda worry that I have problem with my "already not so good skill", hopefully things will turn out well? And I have to start worrying about the exam that is coming on the way after these 4 weeks with my research proposal and then the final exams...

Gambette!

撲火---王菲

2011-01-30T03:05:00.001+08:00

*************************************************************
撲火
作詞 : 姚若龍作曲 : 陳小霞編曲 : Adrian Chan
演唱 : 王菲

不在乎多少人在等我的擁抱
只迫切想擁有你的微笑
自尊丟到牆角掏出所有的好
你還是不看你還是不要

每一天都有夢在心裡頭死掉
我自己對自己大聲咆哮
人太忠於感覺就難好好思考
我痛的想哭卻傻傻的笑

愛到飛蛾撲火是種墮落
誰喜歡天天把折磨當享受
可是為情奉獻讓我覺得
自己是驕傲的偉大的

愛到飛蛾撲火是很傷痛
我只是相信人總會被感動
你為什麼就是不能愛我
像我那麼深的愛你
為什麼為什麼

Balance

2011-01-17T02:47:00.004+08:00

Got home from a colleague's wedding.

Delighted to run into Kaili tonight, my lecture hall cum posting mate during my diploma days, it's been really long since I last seen her around.

Anyway that is beside the point.

Heard something about someone being kinda mean to others passing meanie remarks when people consulted her for help in studies, and heard that the person is "obsessed" in studies and had no social life at all.

Sometimes I do wonder, how can someone actually do such things? I mean, how can she be so sure that she doesn't need anyone's help in anytime? And to study and study and study? No friends???

So what if you can be a scholar?

Seriously.

SO WHAT???

Life is not just about "Distinctions" and "As", to me, the meaning of being born and live on matters more that those papers. Getting "distinctions" and "As" doesn't make you having something extra like hands or magic power.

Probably different people have different goals and each of us view life differently, I will never understand how those people feel when they are to look back in their life as they age, isn't it scary to live a life with nothing but books? And to realize that your life is totally EMPTY with no friends, no one to care for and no one who truly care about you, HOW SAD could it be?

I don't know, but I really feel very scary if I really have such an empty life with no one that I can care for, no one to keep me here on Earth.

*Shivers*

May be I am just thinking too much; may be I am just hearing too much...

May be...

I should just turn in now.

Nighty Nights~

*Post post note: Somehow I hope that it is a plain misunderstanding for this issue because I really think that I would feel really sad for the person in such case, somehow, even though seriously speaking, it has nothing to do with me.

Go! Go!! Go!!!!!!!!

2011-01-16T15:08:00.003+08:00

It's been quite sometime since I last blogged, have been really busy despite of the fact that I actually have a week break during this period of time.

Haiz.

My friends say I am the type that cannot stop working, guess what? I was sick throughout my term break with fever and cough to the extend that even when I am back to the school for meeting, I was coughing till I cannot even talk and have to communicate with my groupmates via computer, I type, they read and they talk.

What is worse is that after the break is when the presentations all coming, coughing like mad is SO difficult to talk, what's more to do presentation?

Anyway, am going to have 4 weeks of hell all the way till chinese new year, packed with several presentations and tests. (T.T)

That is why I am REALLY looking forward to CNY for a better time.

Sigh.

BUT~

Even though I am that sick, I am very blessed to have friends who really showered me with love. After seeing me coughing like mad, Jasmine took the trouble to prepare extra bottle of manuka honey for me to drink to soothe my throat for a couple of days, and she even brought me a mask and put a bottle of vitamin C on my table; Bizi got me a packet of cough drops that is very effective in dealing with cough; Selene got me a bottle of vitamin water to boost up my immunity; Charmaine got me some danzen in the hope to help me to relief as she has been using that for her cough; and Fadhlina helping me to get some more antibiotics... Even the lecturer who (I think my cough disturb her too much during the presentation), she actually passed a packet of cough drops to me during the lesson.

Thank you babes~ For all the effort to help me to get well, really appreciate that.

Still coughing though but I really feel better, well at least I can talk~~~~~

Lol.

I think I have to go back to my books now, but before I go, here is what I have made for my presentation last week, MY BABY!!!!

Hee.

Kinda ironic that I actually feel burnout in preparing the presentation for burnout. Lol. Anyway it's already over~ 2 presentations down! 3 more to go meanwhile with 2 reflective assignments due and 2 more tests!

Go go go!!!!!!!

Horror?

2010-12-25T16:45:00.002+08:00

Was at one of the step down care hospital for field visit last week and had one strange encounter which is kinda funny.
The hospital look a lil' run down from outside but inside is very well furnished, and the visiting hours is less rigid as compare to the usual acute hospital, so the 5 of us report in at 8am and was orientated to the place, after which, we are left to do our own studies and talked to the patients.
As Charmaine and I just walked out from one side of the long ward next to a partition, suddenly there is a lil' girl dashed out from where we just walked out from, and Charmaine and I looked at each other, looking a little astonished, and both of us just shoot the same question at the same time, "You see what I saw???"
We have this question simply because we just walked out from there and we didn't see any visitors AT ALL!!! so where could that little girl could have come from??? (somemore in board day light)
The next moment both of us are like relief as we know we both saw the girl, and the both of us jut go "ok lah, you saw I saw no problem.."
And I told my brother about this and guess what he said?
He said, "imagine when both of you feel relief for seeing things together and then the girl pop out from nowhere next to the 2 of you suddenly and asked if the two of you are talking about her, that would be funny!"
Hilarious to say lah, seriously, if it really happened, it would not be funny AT ALL.
Sigh.
Anyway it is really a nice place to practice if one wants a slower pace for work, yet definitely not for me this moment in life.
=)

Have You Been Blinded as I am?

2010-12-19T22:17:00.004+08:00

Was in a little unrelated 2-hour long lecture a couple of days ago without any break in between which landed me having to excuse myself out of the lecture hall for a while to visit the washroom.

Bought 2 packets of milo at the vending machine on the way back for Kee Kee and myself as she didn't have coins on her to get it before the class started.
I was trying to disturb Kee Kee and asked if she is touched by what I have done since she wanted the milo so much.
She said no.
I told her, "Yeah lor, probably you have expected that, may be that is just so me and you know that I would definitely get you the drink..."
And I guess...
Somehow like she said, we are just so used to each other with those lil' things that we have been doing for each other and have begun to take each other for granted, unknowingly.

When was the last time that I truely appreciate someone who is close to me for whatever they have done for me?

Have I ever appreciate my father for cooking dinner for me every day?

Have I ever appreciate my mom for take care of me?

Have I ever appreciate the presence of my brother for being around and let me disturb him?

Have I ever appreciate Xian and Hao for always within reach?

Have I ever appreciate Germac, Nadiah, Evelyn, Rara, Kewei, Siling, and a lot more people for giving me a wonderful time in Poly?

I started looking back....

Have I become so blinded by events going on in life that I have forgotten to look at things from a different angle?

Have I really been taken people that I am close to for granted?

Though it's really a very minute matter, it has strike me to learn to be more grateful to what others have given me, in a way, no one ought to treat me well, there is no such thing on Earth, every little thing that people do for me are out of goodwill and I must learn to appreciate more.

I must bear in mind of all these.
=)

勇

2010-12-19T03:11:00.001+08:00

My ever-favourite song.
***********************************************

***********************************************
勇(電影《新紮師妹》插曲)
作詞：黃偉文　作曲：Barry Chung

我也不是大無畏　我也不是不怕死
但是在浪漫熱吻之前　如何險要
懸崖絕領　為你亦當是平地

愛你不用合情理　但願用直覺本能去抓住你
一想到心儀的你　從來沒有的力氣
突然注入漸軟的雙臂

旁人從不贊同　而情理也不容
仍全情投入　傷都不覺痛
如窮追一個夢　誰人如何激進
亦不及我為你那麼勇

沿途紅燈再紅　無人可擋我路
望著是萬馬　千軍都直衝
我沒有溫柔　唯獨有這點英勇

我也希望被憐愛　但自願扮作英雄去保護你
勳章你不留給我　仍然願意撐下去
傲然笑著為你擋兵器

跌下來再上去　就像是不倒翁
明明已是撲空　再盡全力補中

再沒有支援　還是有這點英勇
渴望愛的人　全部愛得很英勇

The Inflammatory Response

2010-12-06T01:36:00.003+08:00

*****************************************************************
Kaoz.
After spending half a day trying to understand and absorb what it is, this guy solve my problem in 15 minutes time.
*Roll eyes*
Wonder if he has videos to Acid Base Balances and Fluids and Electrolytes, that would help me a great deal man!

Congratulations to Maureen and Keiffier~~~

2010-12-02T22:50:00.005+08:00

Went to Maureen's wedding last night and took up the job as an emcee for her big day.
A bit unbelievable right?
Lol.
I only begin to feel nervous that morning itself and tension went higher when in the afternoon and I actually started asking myself, "How did I agree on taking up the task earlier on?"
However, this is definitely a no regret issue, I have had a great evening!
My class was supposed to finish at 5pm and I thought it could finish like may be 5 to 10 minutes earlier, but it didn't and instead it went overtime by almost 20 minutes? And good thing there is a cab right outside the school but by the time I rushed down it was already 5.45pm.
Luckily, at first I thought the solemnization starts at 6pm, which means that I only have 15 minutes to change, make up and tidy my hair, while it turn out that the ceremony starts at 6.30pm.
Another very fortunate thing is that...
Weiting is around, she is fantastic with her skills in make up and hairdo!
Knowing that I was in a rush, Marliana let Weiting to do my hair and make up first and I tell you, I have never ever feel so much like some celebrity before. Lol. Imagine that I was reading my script while Weiting was doing my hair and Khadijah was helping me with my make up. Quite a scene, I probably only lack a "manager" to brief me on what I am going to do later *Glance at Fadhlina (hey, I thought you are our band's manager?)*
And...
The fun part is that because it was such a rush, Khadijah attempted to help me with some eye shadow and guess what?
She turned me into a "panda", yes, literally.
When she said done and I looked into the mini-mirror, I laugh till cannot stop and this lovely babe was like trying to convince herself, "Looks ok from far, Fione you are going on stage so a lil' bit more is ok."
Then I laughed, and tell her, "Babe, I still would be sitting down eating you know, and there are people around the table and all of them are going to spit out their tea the moment they see me."
Muahaaahaaa...
Not that I don't appreciate her help but it was just FREAKING FUNNY and I laugh my head off!!!
Side track a bit, I think Weiting don't have to worry about making a living if she ever choose to leave nursing man, serious. Thanks for turning me from a noob into someone glamourous ~
Ran down to the function room to meet up with Maureen's brother Winfred, my co-host for the night to discuss about the rundown and then the solemnizing ceremony.
Congrats Maureen and Keiffier!
And in the end I realized that I was actually not very much needed so I went back to the room whereby Weiting helped me with applying the fake eye lashes. First time in life I am having such artificial stuff on me and was a lil' excited, and Weiting asked me to close my eyes and keep it close after she stuck those things on me.
Guess what?
A couple of minutes later, I asked her if I could open my eyes, and she realized that she forgot to tell me that I could do so, only to realize that...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
MY UPPER AND LOWER LID WERE GLUED TOGETHER?!?!!!?!!!!
I was like, "Err... Wei... Weiting ah..... Err... I think.... I think I cannot open my eyes eh....... "
She was like, "HUH?! Which one?????"
"Errrr..... Errr.... BOTH! Hahahaaahaaaa....... "
It was hilarious and I laugh till I cannot stop with my eyelids glued together!!!
She managed to separate them in the end but that left me with my fake lashes came loose towards the later part of the night. Lol.
And I finally join the crowd like at almost 8pm.
It was a very interesting and valuable experience I would say, my legs are shaking while I have to control and focus hard to suppress that trembling voice which was already at the throat, and I did it!
=D
-Phew-
But seriously speaking, I was telling Peixuan, Winfred's girlfriend that actually I am not so worried about saying the wrong things, I am more worried about if there is a chance that I might tripped and fell on the stage, and this seems to be my ever biggest worry all time, just like a couple of years back and I was supposed to be an usher for the Oncology Support Group event which I need to be properly dressed including the heels and having to move up and down the stage.
Everything went kinda smoothly, except for a lil' change in the sequence of the event when we are already on stage, nevertheless, I have enjoyed myself last night~
Thanks Maureen for giving me the honour to be your host for such a major life event of yours~
And...
Thanks lor Fadhlina, for telling me that I sounded like a MRT annoucement voice.
Pfffttt~
Will load up some pictures of that night later...
=)

Making a Difference

2010-11-18T23:31:00.002+08:00

Just came back from a wake of one of my patients.
Not as if I have really nurse him all the way from the beginning of transplant till the end, not as though I have nursed him for a long time, but I can sense that heaviness sitting right on my chest.
Wonderful couple I would say.
You know, a lot of people always says how we nurses touch the patient's life, while in fact I think a lot of the time, it works the other way.

May be...

It really doesn't matter how long we live;

more importantly,

HOW we choose to lead our lives.

May be...

It really doesn't matter how long we live;

more importantly,

WHO is still holding your hands at the end of the journey.

May be...

It really doesn't matter how long we live;

more importantly,

WHAT have you learn along the way.

May be...

It really doesn't matter how long we live;

more importantly,

to know WHY we are here.

That is how I decided to go into oncology.
I, found the strength from them.
Thank you, to all who touches my life.
My condolence.

到不了的幸福

2010-11-13T21:42:00.006+08:00

到不了的幸福(偶像劇鍾無艷片頭曲)
作詞：白馥斳
作曲：Jenny Kuo

電話那一頭的你，說也許我們該各退一步
電話這一邊的我，眼淚悄悄流出卻不想哭

這場愛情，是不是一開始就是錯誤
為了什麼我們固執的堅持換來卻只有痛苦

跌跌撞撞這一條愛情路，我們看到的只有荒蕪
辛辛苦苦跟隨你的腳步，等待我們的不是幸福

跌跌撞撞這一條愛情路，我們看到的只有荒蕪
辛辛苦苦跟隨你的腳步，等待我們的不是幸福

Happiness that cannot be fulfilled
On the other end of the phone,
you said perhaps we should each take a step back
On this end of the phone,
my tears roll but I don't want to cry

Is this all a mistake right at the beginning?
Why is it that we persevere and ultimately all that we have left is nothing but pain?

A bumpy ride of love and we can only seen barren lands
Trying so hard to keep up to your foot step but what is waiting on the other end is not happiness

******************************************
Has been following this Taiwanese drama series 鍾無艷, getting a little bored with the progress but the songs they have is kinda cool. There is this the other song also, but I think I will post it another day perhaps.

Five Regrets of the Dying

2010-11-06T22:07:00.002+08:00

My colleague posted this on facebook and I think it is worth sharing.

Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author
☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventuallyacceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice.

It is YOUR life.

Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.

Choose happiness.

Distracted

2010-10-31T23:27:00.003+08:00

Yes, I am supposely to be concentrating on my work.
But then...
Somebody was tagged in my facebook of this [Click me]
And...
It just look SOOOO ATTRACTIVE!
Boohoo...
I want a holliday off Singapore!!!!!!!
Haiz.
Back to reality.
So much things are piling off on my table, managed to kill off one assignment last night on my bus ride home (despite of being irritated by the kid who kicked me with her dirty shoes for about 15 minutes, IRRITATING! Side track a bit, I could never understand why some people want to deliver when they do not want to teach their kids? ) and I just sent it off like an hour ago to someone to compile.
And done the research articles review on one topic, I think I will carry on to search for the other topic and collate and review them tomorrow night, hope I am not being too ambitious by wanting to complete a topic tomorrow. *Fingers crossed*
Conclusion: I have a very fruitful weekend, seriously speaking.
I do wonder why, I think it takes A LOT of time to read, digest and to extract out information needed, either I am slow in reading, or....
I AM SLOW IN READING from the computer screen.
YES!
I HATE TO READ BOOKS ARTICLES OR WHATEVER FROM THE SCREEN!
I would just keep reading the same line over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... again!!!!
WTH.
You know I use like 2 hours to collate and type out 2-3 pages of information needed from the book and I could use the same length of time just to look at 1 single article! It is THAT BAD!
Feel like some computer idiots who can't use the computer well.
Anyway speaking of computer idiots somehow I don't know why and how seemingly like almost everyone I know thinks that I am very good with computer software and stuff, but I AM NOT!!!!
And no one believes me!
Hey, knowing ctrl A and ctrl C is nothing.
Configuring laptop to school's wireless is just a step by step guide.
I am NOT FANTASTIC in my PC skills lor! I can't even use Excel well!
Nothing compare to my brother ok?
Argh.
Better go back to my assignment.
And, hopefully no rain no sun tomorrow, I will be riding to school again~

Back to School

2010-10-23T11:04:00.003+08:00

School started and one week has passed, I guess this is like our "honeymoon week" because even though there is a lot of briefing on assessment time and method and introduction to course, so far things are kinda fine.

If you ask me what do I miss the most this time round, I guess it would have to be my buddies during Diploma time, and I wonder if Nad and Mac felt something like this when they went back to the course last year too, probably because we were really too close with each other and were like going everywhere like shadows of each other, so long as you see me you will see Mac, and Nad Nad, my 3 years classmate cum project mate...

I miss all those fun.

My current group members are like what Mong said, full of drive and very consciensious (imagine we have already met up 3 times just this very first week for research project), feel a little stress but still manageable so far.

Bet my main source of stress came from the fact that there won't be any lecture notes given for a certain module, multitasking is not really one of my strength and I really can't help but to worry about how am I going to sit for the papers at the end of the course. Plus there are certain things that I am not very sure of, like yesterday the histopathology lecture, it was a great lesson at least I have a better picture of what is going on, but if you were to ask me what exactly the lecturer said, I can only say that there are certain parts that I don't really understand (I don't even know what I don't understand also) and can't remember so much and I wonder if I could make it in the end.

Sigh.

All that I can do now, is to try to absorb as much as I could, the rest I could only leave it to fate.

Sigh.

Be Gone

2010-10-20T23:19:00.007+08:00

Life is full of choices, we have to make our choice carefully and accept whatever consequences that comes with it.

When you choose to turn your back on me, that is when you choose to walk out of my life forever.

No way for you to turn back, because...

THAT IS YOUR CHOICE.

And THIS IS MY CHOICE IN RETURN.

Impromptu Meeting

2010-10-09T01:25:00.003+08:00

Met up with Xian for dinner tonight after getting a message from her this morning.

Somehow since don't know when we are very into this kind of "impromtu" meeting up, as in, she could just text me in the morning and asked if I am available for dinner and if I am not working, I would usually go.

Went with her to this place with very nice design, snapped a number of pictures but I am a lil' lazy and unwell tonight to put it up.

Anyway.

I...

Probably am a very practical person, I am not a fan of empty promises and I try not to "overpromise that will lead to underdelivery" because to me, it is as good as cheating and I can't bring myself to it. If I can foresee a certain problem that will arise, I would probably tell you about it.

But...

I am wrong.

Or rather, may be I didn't do it in a good way, at least that is what Xian said.

Each of us think differently, and we perceive things in a different way too.

*Shrug*

The rest of the words, I shall keep it before someone wanna hit my head again. =p

I know I owe a lot of pictures, probably coming week ba, as I am clearing my leave and I hope I can get my wisdom tooth extracted before it causes more problems and before the term start the week after.

Torn

2010-10-08T00:46:00.002+08:00

You came.
Without a sign, without warning.
Ripped it as though there is nothing.
Hit me to the rock bottom all the time.
It's suffocating.

離島

2010-10-06T03:16:00.003+08:00

<離島>---田馥甄

作曲：林一峰填詞：施人誠和聲：田馥甄

我覺得這樣的距離很好就隔著一片海互不打擾
我是一座離島人海邊的離島世界和我禮貌微笑

不擔心我這島居民太少人口的密度就這樣剛好
我是座小小島裝不下大煩惱 觀光客們下回請早

怎樣會這樣我也不知道謝謝誰為我祈禱可是我並不困擾
誰能夠決定誰怎樣最好 我疏離得很舒服不想治療

這種距離對大家都好就隔著一片海互相遠眺
我是一座離島人海邊的離島世界和我都不無聊

怎樣會這樣我也不知道謝謝誰為我祈禱可是我並不困擾
不擔心我這島居民太少來過的朋友們都住下了

我是座小小島容易滿足的小島懂的人懂得就好
我是座小小島心滿意足的小島我愛的人愛我就好

你太猖狂---田馥甄

2010-09-25T02:36:00.002+08:00

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
你太猖狂---田馥甄
作曲：陳小霞　填詞：林夕

能約出來的人都約光
能吃得下的早已吃光
很用力談笑比哭還絕望
怎麼挨得到打烊

我以為痛苦可以分散
於是我忙到不能再忙
忙到忘記了洗掉你所有短訊
一字一巴打在我臉上

思念太猖狂一個冷不防
一想起你忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

我以為工作能夠療傷
甚至恨不得病倒再算
沒力氣遐想誰知癱瘓在床上
越發渴望你就在身旁

思念太猖狂一個冷不防
一想起你忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

你也太猖狂一個冷不防
睡到一半才覺醒療傷先要哭一場
對世界說謊只把自己哄騙得更慘
想得到釋放只有投降
想得到釋放只有投降
☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
Just sharing a song from the new album by Hebe, love it.

Happy Birthday to Me?

2010-09-16T23:13:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday to me.
Decided that I want something different on this day, a year before I hit "25" years old.
The hairdresser has a lot of hesitation when I told her to cut my hair short...
She asked：「你捨得呀？」
and I replied：「啊？有甚麼捨不得的？」
After all the bargain on how short it should go, now I have a head of not too long nor too short hair...
I have cut even shorter from almost reaching my waist to just below the ear and people always jumped and asked,"WA! What happened to you?"
Nothing, really, just feel like changing hairstyle only, though some think that it is a very drastic move.
Seriously speaking, what so 捨不得? Hair will always grow again ma. Besides, I think my hair grow kinda fast, so there is not much worries even if the new hair do sucks, because it will change shape pretty soon, that is why sometimes it is kinda a headache if the new hair do is very nice when it grow out of shape and I can't get it back to the first one on the second cut. I will need frequent cutting and trimming, too much of a trouble.
So now...
No more curls.
=)

離開你的愛---郭靜

2010-09-11T00:56:00.003+08:00

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
離開你的愛
作詞：王雅君
作曲：劉永輝
編曲：Op.dan
製作人：陳建良

失眠在靜默的夜晚　我一個人　好孤單
孤單在冰冷的被單　OH你的愛　不回來

世界在旋轉　轉不過命盤
怎麼算　都沒算到　你會走散
熟悉的習慣　你冷漠的抽換
誰來　拯救　不安

I'm Gonna Leave You Alone
誰叫我愛你　誰叫你的愛那麼壞
Dear, Can You Just Let Me Cry
揮霍完的愛　我自己會撿起來

(I Say)愛不再回來　(I Say)痛不再難挨~
(I Say)你的高姿態　(I Say)你真的沒什麼了不起

我的世界愛還存在　換我把你　關起來
謝謝你教我的勇敢　Oh! You & I Say Goodbye
Say Goodbye

Surprise!!

2010-09-05T01:26:00.002+08:00

Surprise!! :D

It's been ages since I've last posted an entry on this blog... It even seemed almost non-existent to me... A huge thanks to Fione for keeping up with this blog, when we had a promise to share a blog, to share our happiness and woes on this blog space... But it seems that I had forgotten this promise...

To be honest, I am feeling a little lost here on Blogger... Well, that's because I've already switched "alliances" to WordPress... *LOL*...

It's 1.32am right now... And I am feeling a little sleepy... Guess I will update more on another day...

Adios!!

啓示

2010-09-03T01:19:00.003+08:00

每一天，我們都會遇到很多很多不同的人和事給予我們不同的啓示；

生命的儘頭或許不全是終結而是受啓示的人的重生！

生命，不能有太多的來不及，

愛，要及時。
May be it is really a message from God, just a couple of days ago, this was posted in 喬恩's 微博
「上帝給人最公平的就是死亡,沒有人可以預知,沒有人逃得過! 我想死亡最可怕的本質是..那些捨不下你的人..那些愛著的人..你走了..我們用剩下來的時間,悠長的愛著...如果死亡是答案,那麼我想...人..該學習的...是如何活著!」
"The fairest thing that God has ever give to mankind is death, no one can predict when it would come, no one can escape from it! To me, the most fretful part about death is those that can't bear to leave you.. those that love you deeply... We use whatever time remain, to love you after you left... If death is a definite answer, then I think what we should learn is how to live!"
You, will always be in my heart.
And...
I think...
I would never sing or want to hear the song 波斯貓 again.

Dear Roz, Please Rest in Peace.

2010-09-02T01:10:00.005+08:00

Life is too short to have any regrets.

Though really short, dear Roz, all those moment we have had together during the posting in the primary school in Yishun will be kept deep in my heart.

May you be in peace and pain free from now on dear.

R.I.P.

I Wonder

2010-08-31T21:06:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I do wonder...

Would it be better if I am more "heartless"?

It hurts to hear so many Hong Kongers being killed in Philippines a couple of days ago.

It hurts even more... To hear that someone that I know collapsed, and is now dengerously ill, lying in the ICU, intubated and supported with ventilation, with a GCS of only 3 and the cause is still unknown.

Bubbly, funny, adorable...

I had a very fun time with her during the attachment, even though it was only one posting for a week, but I had a very good time joking and talking nonsense to her, another person besides Nadiah that doesn't mind me disturbing her with Mandarin songs even though she know nuts about Mandarin.

This is not uncommon, it is not as though I have never seen patients who can joke with you this moment but collapsed like 10 minutes later.

Just that...

It HURTS, still.

人和動物

2010-08-28T12:31:00.002+08:00

人和動物其中的一個分別是人會說話，動物祇是吼叫。
我是說話的。

Condolences to Those Who Lost Their Love Ones in the Phillipines Hostage Crisis

2010-08-24T02:41:00.001+08:00

As I am finally feeling slightly better after spending a night with Xian...
THIS, has to happen.
And...
It brought back the memories and the pain when of the sudden death.
IT H-U-R-T-S.
Life is just so unpredictable, who would have know that they could never return home again when they took off from Hong Kong International Airport?
Just like...
Who would have known that...
That was the last time I can have a meal with him.

I can feel the pain.

It hurts, a lot.
My condolence to the families who have lost their love ones in the accident.

不想長大

2010-08-17T20:59:00.003+08:00

It's an old song but lately just fall in love with it, again.

莫名的...
迷上了黑色童話...
Sudden crash on the dark fairy tales...
不想長大

詞：施人誠
曲：左安安

為什麼就是找不到不謝的玫瑰花
為什麼遇見的王子都不夠王子啊
我並不期盼他會有玻璃鞋和白馬
我驚訝的是情話竟然會變成謊話

為什麼幸福的青鳥要飛的那麼高
為什麼蘋果和擁抱都可能是毒藥
我從沒想過有了他還孤單的可怕
我突然想起從前陪我那個洋娃娃

我不想我不想不想長大
長大後世界就沒童話
我不想我不想不想長大
我寧願永遠都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想長大
長大後我就會失去他
我深愛的他深愛我的他已經變得不像他

我不想我不想不想長大
長大後世界就沒童話
我不想我不想不想長大
我寧願永遠都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想長大
長大後我就會失去他
我深愛的他深愛我的他怎麼會愛上別個他

為什麼水晶球裡面看不出他在變
為什麼結局沒歡笑而是淚流滿面
我願意在他回來前繼續安靜沉睡
但他已去到別座城堡吻另一雙嘴
為什麼對流星許願卻從來沒實現
為什麼英勇的騎士會比龍還危險
我當然知道這世界不會完美無瑕
我只求愛情能夠不要那麼樣複雜

讓我們回去從前好不好
天真愚蠢快樂美好

Photoshoot...

2010-08-11T01:58:00.006+08:00

Bro finally graduated and we went for some photo shoot today.
Pictures will only be out after a few weeks but here is some pictures we took with my handphone.
=)

In gown again after a year, and that is my brother's girlfriend waiting at the side.

Let's take a picture!!!!

With Papa...

He wasn't ready when I snapped this. Lol.

Until today, I realized that my brother cannot smile from the heart, somehow his smile just look very fake, like you can see his teeth but you know he wasn't really smiling, so it was kinda funny when we take the pictures.

And...

When I asked him later why, guess what he said?

He said, if he smile from his heart, there will be winkles around his eyes.

And then, he gave me the smile.

(o.O)...

True le, I didn't know he actually studied how he should smile, probably have spent a lot of time in front of the mirror...

Lol.

Poor thing.

Nightmare, I Swear

2010-08-06T01:42:00.000+08:00

I can't tell you how RELIEF I was when she was going away.
And now...
The nightmare is back once again.
On the day I was told, I had a whole night of nightmare.
How long can I last?
I wonder.

Operation C-a-n-c-e-l-l-e-d

2010-07-22T22:30:00.005+08:00

Operation cancelled.
I really have to thank a lot people here, for their support during these period of time.
Thank you Fad Fad, who got me the flowers to cheer me on, offering to accompany me when she knows that I need someone to accompany me to the hospital despite of doing night shift tonight.
Thank you Kee~ for the consistent reassurance and offered to take leave after knowing that I need help.
Thank you Kar Mei Mei, for the cream, for feeling so much for my condition, for praying for me.
Thank you Maureen, for the prayers and consistent reassurance and encouragement.
Thank you Karen, for showing care all time and first to offer me a phone to SMS my mom knowing that I am penniless, phone-less, with no IC, staff card and even no Ez-link card. Thanks for the cake knowing that I am staving when the op is being cancelled.
Thank you Sharon "mei nu", for your phone to SMS my mom. =)
Thank you Farah Liyana, for your ez-link card and offer of handphone.
Thank you Juwita, for cursing at the one who missed out on following up on my results.
Thank you Jiaming, for keeping me company to the temple yesterday despite of the fact that you are very tired after work.
Thank you my dear Alice, for actually remembered (Because you are not around for quite some time already and I did not especially mention to you again, that is why I was quite surprised.) and text me to find out how I am.
Thanks la KK, hee, for calling me to find out what went wrong.
And of course, the most important person I have to thank, is no other than my ever best friend Ms Khoo, thanks for offering to take leave and preparing to fetch me back even though you have deadlines to hit at work, to be the contact person with my mom and the hospital, calm my mom when she go panick after receiving a call from the Anaesthetist, for taking the time and trouble to actually called the hospital to find out what exactly is going on and got back to my mom...
我•要•哭•了•啦！~~~
今天我才發現了，我的同事們都好~~~~~大器ㄟ ....
When I was back in the ward and my collagues find out what happened, from Sister Annie to Wenting to Karen to Farah to Kee Kee to even Dr Vicki, all of them are offering to give me some money to go home and to get myself something to eat.
Boo Hooo~~~~~
感動-ing...
Ah Kee, Fad Fad, Kar Mei Mei and Xian, everytime when I ran into trouble you all are there to give me the support I needed, made me feel really very much loved, seriously that I just feel that the word thank you cannot express how much I appreciate you girls for your presence, how fortunate I am, to know people like you all, who are always so willing to give me so much unconditionally.

持續感動ing.

3 More Days

2010-07-20T01:12:00.002+08:00

Fretful I am,of what is coming.
It is probably a journey of self discovery, I have come to know some part of myself better.
I am...
Once again, facing a gamble.
Fretful as I am.
But...
Out of all the fear, thanks to my few lovely babes at work who gave me comfort, for being so supportive, for lending me shoulders to lean on, for the lil' surprises Fad Fad has been giving me lately, for the flowers, the wishes and the prayers...

I promise I will be strong and face whatever that is coming on the way.
=)

Am I Being Too Mean?

2010-06-14T17:45:00.002+08:00

"Duh" to be manipulated by people who have a "little" difficulty in understanding the reason why certain things are being done even though we tried hard to explain to them.

-Sigh-

And...

FYI,

There is no such word in English known as "eated".

Sweet Sweet Gesture that Sweeten Up My Day~ =)

2010-06-12T02:39:00.005+08:00

I was very stressed up for the past few weeks because of work and personal issues and my mood was really really really very lousy.
And I told someone about it at work and guess what?
Ta dah~

It was unexpected.
In a way, not that I wasn't told that the person would get me the sweets to cheer me up upon hearing my "grumbles", but rather I did not expect the person to really do it.
=)
This, works the same as the 10pm fries that appeared outside my room window a couple of years ago, it might not be something extraordinary, it was the sweet little gesture and the thought that counts.
Though I know you won't be reading this, but I really really really wanna say THANK YOU.
I have no idea how to tell you how much I appreciate this "pat on my shoulder", it works wonder.
=D

還是好朋友---梁靜茹&古巨基

2010-06-03T00:32:00.002+08:00

還是好朋友(梁靜茹&古巨基)
作詞：林夕
作曲：黃韻玲

沒有人要內疚沒需要原由
在十字街頭就相互保佑
那些體貼問候那美麗鏡頭
沒必要一分開就變成了詛咒

相愛這一場可能是為了
能擁有一個好朋友

還是好朋友比愛人長久
不能牽的手按在心頭
在最寂寞的關頭永遠在左右
事過情遷後昇華眼淚後（昇華以後）
思念是最漫長的享受
那無痛的傷口還帶著溫柔到白頭

親吻失去感受火花燒到盡頭
沒激情有感情有另一種邂逅

相愛這一場可能是為了
能擁有一個好朋友

還是好朋友比愛人長久
不能牽的手按在心頭
在最寂寞的關頭永遠在左右
事過情遷後昇華眼淚後茹:（昇華以後）
思念是最漫長的享受
那無痛的傷口還帶著溫柔到白頭

還是好朋友 (還是好朋友)
比愛人長久 (比愛人長久)
不能牽的手按在心頭
在最寂寞的關頭永遠在左右
事過情遷後昇華眼淚後基:（昇華以後）
思念是最漫長的享受
是什麼叫你我只配做一對好朋友

Wedding Bells~~~

2010-05-30T12:16:00.007+08:00

Had a real long and tired day yesterday, BUT, it was definitely a day filled with FUN!
Hee.
My very first time as "sisters" yesterday for my very best friend, Xian.
And I think I know why one cannot be Sisters for too many times...
It will cause stress induced hypertension, gastric, stress induced headache in the long run even though it is definitely fun to be one.
One single morning we were like running here and there, and to make sure everything is within time schedule, even during dinner time there is time constrain and you just have to drop everything to run to the room to help her to get changed, and the best part is that when you are all very well dressed (in heels) but you have to run behind her to catch the train of her gown, imagine how we dashed and bent just to try to pick it up behind her back as she was walking, the scene is definitely hilarious!
Some pictures...

The Bride...

The newly weds...

Me and my friends...

The corsage...

Me in the car on the way from Duxton to Bukit Timah...

Came out to attend Silin's solemnization, the very first time I see Lucas in real person and I tell you, he is SUPER ADORABLE! When Silin was signing on her marriage certificate imagine a kid walked to the table and said he wanted to sign too! Silin just passed him a pen at the side and a paper. Can see that Silin must adore him a lot man, if not I don't think he would dare to walk near the table to ask for a pen and paper... Lol. Cute lah~

Silin and me... Congrats babe!!!!

See the train behind? That is what me and my friend are like trying to catch when she was like walking...

Peeping the morning highlights while waiting for the second march in...

Midlife Crisis

2010-05-22T18:20:00.001+08:00

Another one.
May is not a good month.
Early midlife crisis?
May be.

不是我不明白---梁靜茹&盧廣仲

2010-05-20T13:07:00.004+08:00

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
不是我不明白---梁靜茹&盧廣仲
作曲:林倛玉
填詞:李焯雄

茹:不是我不明白
這樣並不算太壞
懂得愛說來無奈
來自對你虧待沒刻意掩埋
沒對他坦白你還在

茹:會進來嗎你在送我回家我還在猜測
可都是真的了
再見面前一直想像還有某種關聯
但客氣是拒絕
新的朋友不再重疊
你的世界我在邊緣

茹:不是我不明白這樣並不算太壞
能再次關懷時間洗刷所有不愉快
後來的愛我們嘗試去寬待
懂的愛說來無奈來自對你虧待
沒刻意掩埋沒對他坦白你還在

仲:沒說分手終於是能開玩笑的朋友
不是不難過的
茹:多少年了仲:(多少年了) 我想過能夠和你一起老的
合:卻都有別人了
新的朋友不再重疊
我的世界你在邊緣

合:不是我不明白有些話沒說出來
能再次關懷時間洗刷所有不愉快
後來的愛我們嘗試去寬待
懂得愛說來無奈來自對你虧待
茹:沒刻意掩埋仲:(沒有)
仲:沒對他坦白茹:你還在

茹:不是我不明白合:說悲哀並不應該
合:我們的關懷像愛但又說不上愛
沒有後來我們才學會愛
但現在說來感慨不是那個未來
我們說好的仲:(說好的)
仲:不會更改的
合:你會在
☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
A very nice song to share.
Sometimes, I guess some people are just better off as friends, probably would be more understanding/acceptance? and ultimately both parties might actually gain more out of it.

One Year Anniversary

2010-05-18T22:27:00.003+08:00

How time flies...
Tomorrow marks my first anniversary of crossing over to SGH.
Last year today, I was supposed to start work but because my ex-hospital under the same claster still owe me a public holiday to clear before I move over, I was idling at home preparing to report for work on the next day.
I was telling my mom about this today and she also exclaimed "So soon? It's already a year?!"
Yup yup.
Time really flies.
Now it's time to think...
What have I done for the past year?
Where am I heading to next?

Unsuitable Time

2010-05-16T00:35:00.003+08:00

(After asking a thousand and one question that he supposed to know and I have patiently answered all his queries...)
Me, "Anything else?"
Him, thought for a while, "Yes."
Me trying to be more patient despite of work piling up outside, "Hmm... What is it?"
Him trying to dig from his limited English vocabulary that he know of, speaks slowly, "You need to lose weight."
傻眼.
Me, "Sorry?"
Him, "You need to lose weight."
Me, "..."

Me, "#&(*$U$#(*)($U($*#(&T(%#&!)_(#!_!$@&_(#!(*#U%$:L$L$@)$*I)?!!!!"

ㄌ一ㄚˇ ㄍㄨㄥˊ抓狂.
I have work piling outside and here I am answering all your queries seriously and you are telling me all these 有的沒的...
See why am I pissed off?

Busy Busy Busy, Wedding Bells are Sounding Everywhere Around me

2010-05-11T01:39:00.003+08:00

Have been going out pretty often (In fact, almost everyday so long as I am morning shift or off) and have been kinda occupied with appointments of all sorts.

Just went for Mac's wedding, then shopping for someone's birthday present, catching up with friends...

And of course, in search for a proper dress for Xian's big day!

Argh.

I wonder if it is because that we are kinda clueless in where to find the dresses, but it is really really difficult to find a nice dress, and so I have started my online search tonight.

Another disappointment.

I typed in "Evening dresses" in hope that it will give me something nice that I wanted, but those local websites are such a let down! Oh man~ Are Singaporeans THAT casual? I mean, those websites with the dress that Xian and I are trying to hunt for are all like overseas website, such as US, UK, evening Hong Kong!

And tell me...

Why not Singapore???

Argh!

I can only try to continue to search, the wedding is only about 2 weeks away and there are so many things that I need to do! Best part---I am not the bride/groom! I am only the "Sisters" and...

Sigh.

Just a remark...

It's such a hassle to get married, somehow I just feel it that way when I was talking to Kee Kee this evening. From listing the guests, booking place, choosing dates, inviting people, drawing up programme, and I saw how Xian has to juggle between her work, her new house as well as the wedding ceremony itself...

Oh man.

I can't help but to grumble again...

It's such a hassle to get married.

Aye.

Now Weijie's and Shirley's wedding is over, Mac's wedding is over, upcoming in May would be Silin and Xian who are getting married on the same day, then Pei Shian's wedding in June... I am so broke even before the June bonus come in. (@.@)... [Though I am truly very happy for all of them, but I am a lil' overwhelmed with wedding invites still, anyone wanna sponsor me or not?]

Horrendous Round of Nights

2010-05-03T00:05:00.002+08:00

Just finished my round of nights and I say...

Nightmare, I swear, it's a nightmare.

Had to put up an incident report on the very first night, even before I took over the whole team entirely. Fortunately, my bosses are very understanding and did not say anything much, probably they think that I am just unlucky.

Second and third night are not any better, imagine trying hard to talk sense to someone who is not entirely confused and hoax the person back to somewhere we consider as safe. And, it is indeed a blessing that that guy did not fall down even though he climbed out of his bed twice in the night despite of the "trying to station in the room" the entire night; because occasionally we have to move off to attend to others and we just could not leave that guy alone for a single minute.

-Sigh-

And...

All the fight with restrainers and patients suddenly reminds me of a night in my previous company, the night when me and Tina are fighting with an intubated patient and was in the end rescued by KK who knocked the person out with Propofol; and another night with Naisah fighting with another dialysis patient who in the end, was rescued by Dr Maureen.

Did thought of calling the Drs but wonder what could they do as they cannot knocked the patient out as well, and we have decided not to restrain the person because he was kinda agitated.

At wits end.

So in the end, what we did was that we make sure he is within our visual field, and I ended up dragging my whole trolley of casesheeets with the "COW" (computer on wheels which is basically the laptop that stores all the vitals and charts of the patients) into the room to continue working while leaving my other cubicle to my junior and the other partner to look after.

Haiz.

Whatever it is, it's over at least, though kinda traumatizing still, and I am praying hard that my next round of night don't come so soon.

Give me time to recuperate first, at least.

56 more days to my long awaited leave, and I can't wait!

Arrgghhhh I need to go on leave soon before I turned crazy!

沒有如果

2010-04-28T00:26:00.002+08:00

沒有如果---梁靜茹
如果我說愛我沒有如果
錯過就過你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當藉口
那是不是有一點弱

如果我說愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什麼還怕什麼
快牽起我的手

有人說
世界上最遙遠的距離不是生與死
而是我就站在你面前你卻不知道我愛你
我常說
如果人類連愛一個人都被自己綁住
那世界末日已來到
不需要等到地球毀滅掉的那天

如果我說愛我沒有如果
錯過就過你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當藉口
那是不是有一點弱

如果我說愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什麼還怕什麼
快牽起我的手

如果如果沒有如果如果如果
最後變成路過我也不能接受
錯過錯過不想錯過錯過錯過
我比你更難過我不會一錯再錯
(嗯這次不要再隨便錯過)

我常說
如果人類連愛一個人都被自己綁住
那世界末日已來到
不需要等到地球毀滅掉的那天

別怕太快樂
別怕失去我

如果我說愛我沒有如果
錯過就過你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當藉口
那是不是有一點弱

如果我說愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什麼還怕什麼
快牽起我的手

快牽起我的手
如果我說愛我沒有如果
錯過就過你是不是會難過
若如果拿來當藉口
那是不是有一點弱

如果我說愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什麼還怕什麼
快牽起我的手

若如果拿來當藉口
那是不是有一點弱

沒有如果

還想什麼還怕什麼
快牽起我的手

若如果拿來當藉口
那是不是有一點弱

如果我說愛我沒有如果
真的愛我就放手一搏
還想什麼還怕什麼
快牽起我的手

如果我說愛我沒有如果

Busier but Happier

2010-04-26T00:58:00.006+08:00

Lately a lot of patients have been asking me about my job as I was doing procedures with them, and I realize...

Even though I may seem like grumbling a lot about being busy at work and heavy workload, I grew to love my job even more somehow. May be like what Sister Cat used to say, sometimes it is not that we are not happy, but rather we just need somewhere to ventilate out whatever we are stressed about and then move on.

I don't know.

Occasionally, I do miss the days back in ICU; the preparation for all the actions, the way we work together to manage a case with my one and only colleague who is on the same shift together, the stress on wondering when will the next code blue come (still amaze with the high incidence of code blues whenever Dr Sean is on the same shift with me, was still laughing at it when I read back on the previous entries, wonder if he is still having as much codes as previously)... etc etc...

BUT, I am pretty sure that I am happier now.

Tired, yes all the time.

Time stress on completing work on time, yes.

Hectic and heavy workload, yes (just imagine yesterday when I worked I have 3 chemotherapy that completed one after another, the stress to get the drugs checked and spiked up and hooked to the respective patients without making any mistake [all the same drugs with slight difference in dosage *cry*]; while have to ensure the other patients are not left out. And speaking of which, BIG HUGS to Juju who really helped me a GREAT DEAL yesterday, couldn't have done it without her help in giving my other IV medicines while I am hooking up the rest of the 3 chemos. And of course Shirah and Aisha who helped to cover all the call bells and pumps that are beeping non-stop. Not to forget my dear Kee Kee who actually came over from the other station to wait for me to complete my report as well as helping me to clear the mess I left after messing with a PICC line. =p Oh yeah, and Sister Fung Chee who, to me, as a very big surprise, offered to help me buy food at the canteen knowing that I probably have skipped my break again.)

May be I am still not good at my work, but I do have lovely colleagues who is willing to lend a helping hand to make sure my world don't collapse on me *gRinz*.

I think, occasionally having stress like that is...

...

Kinda FUN! Somehow.

Don't ask me why, I burst into laughter when I finally settled. May be my screw is really getting loose =p.

*Stretch*

Off tomorrow and then another morning shift followed by my round of night shifts AGAIN!

ARGH!

I really really really don't like to do nights... Probably really getting OLD!

Wish me luck on my upsoming nights man!

對不起我愛你

2010-04-20T00:49:00.001+08:00

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
對不起我愛你---梁靜茹
作詞：潘協慶/李宗盛　作曲：潘協慶　編曲：洪敬堯

沒別的　只想說對不起
對不起　我真的愛你
不管你會怎麼想　你怎麼說
也不會改變我的決定

你知道　有時候感情事很難說
很難說　愛人或朋友
從前到現在我真的感覺要
一想你　我的心就發燒

想給你聽我的心跳
想你知道我睡的不好
喝水想著你　搭車想著你
闔眼閉眼間　出現的全是你
我猜不到你的表情
我等不到你的回應
不想難為你　又不想放棄你
決定告訴你　對不起對不起
我愛你

沒別的　只想說對不起
怎麼樣　我都會珍惜
不管你會怎麼講　你怎麼做
也不會影響我的心情

你知道　有時候男孩更難捉摸
難捉摸　愛人或朋友
現在到永遠我真會感覺要
一想你　我的心就狂跳

我的模樣記不記得牢
情人卡有沒有收到
讀書想著你　聽歌想著你
大地和藍天　出現的全是你
我才不管你的表情
我才不理你回不回應
不想難為你　又不想放棄你
決定告訴你　對不起對不起
我愛你

你聽一聽我的心跳
你看一看我睡的不好
喝水想著你　搭車想著你
闔眼閉眼間　出現的全是你
我猜不著你的表情
我等不到你的回應
不想難為你　又不想放棄你
決定告訴你　對不起對不起
我愛你

Sharing

2010-04-13T17:33:00.006+08:00

【明報專訊】伊利沙伯醫院臨床腫瘤科顧問醫生區兆基表示，病人在化療後癌指數下降是好消息，意味著病人對治療有反應，可以控制病情惡化，有機會延長壽命，享受一段生活質素較好的時光。

不過，他指一般患上第四期肺癌病人，由於癌細胞已擴散至遠離胸腔的器官如骨骼，病人所接受的治療包括化療及放射治療，作用在於紓緩及控制病情，但根治癌症的機會較微。

區醫生稱，第四期肺癌病人的壽命中位數為一年，由於是中位數，所以統計學上有50%的人可以活得長過一年，要視乎病人的身體狀况、腫瘤的毒性來評估，不能一概而論。他說，每年有4000宗肺癌，由於患病人數多，間中也有病人可以活超過5年。他建議病人不要計算自己可以活得多長久，應要積極樂觀好好珍惜每一天，令生命活得有意義。
☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
So true.

你不會

2010-04-13T14:25:00.001+08:00

你不會---S.H.E

作詞：姚若龍
作曲：鄭楠
編曲：呂紹淳
製作人：王治平/陳秀珠/郭文宗

第一次擁吻以前　我們找不到語言
但聽見彼此靈魂多渴望永遠
貼心後嘴角的甜　摩擦後眼角的鹹
一起　懂愛和真愛的差別

你送的杯子裡面　還裝著溫熱感覺
你給的每個紀念都排在床沿
相機是牽手兩年　圍巾是東京五天
戒指　是又哭又笑的道歉

＊我不相信　你心中現在她最美
　你不會你不會你不會把我們的愛　踩碎
　我不相信　你口中會講出後悔
　你不會你不會你不會不心疼
　我拒絕被看見的淚

當初被激烈反對　你安靜卻沒妥協
對我更好來瓦解別人的偏見
我生氣時總幾天　我倔強口不擇言
是你緊抱我到情緒沉澱

Repeat ＊

我不相信　走來的幸福在脫軌
你不會你不會你不會留殘酷讓我面對
我不相信　累積的回憶都損毀
你不會你不會你不會捨得我
流一滴像乞討的淚

Magnesium-Benzolate-Chloride-N-Hydride

2010-04-07T01:33:00.004+08:00

Me, "This is your medicine for the evening madam, there is panadol, medicine for moving your bowels as well as a Magnesium tablet."
Madam's husband, "What is that Magnesium tablet?"
Me, "For replacement of the minerals in her body sir."
Man, "What is the name of the medicine?"
Me, "Magnesium."
Man, "But what is the name of the tablet called?"
Me, "It is called Magnesium sir."
Man, "Ya, I mean what is the composition of the drug?"
Me, "........"
...............
Me, "Er... Sir, it contains Magnesium.... *Crow flew past* Err... Sir... You mean... you want the formula for the medicine is it? The hexagon like thing?(Sample of what I thought he wanted)"
The man stunned for a while, smile with a lil embarassment, "Err... No la... No need."
Me, "Oh, because it does not come with an insert, if you want I can check it out online for you, but this tablet is called Elementry Magnesium."
Haiz.
So much for a weird question at the busiest moment at work.
I thought, when Magnesium is known as an "element", it means it could not break down into something else?
My brother laughed when I told him this story, in fact, I laughed hard the moment when I got back into the preparation room, as I find the conversation a lil' pointless and felt a lil' mean for asking that man if he actually wanted the structure of the medicine, but I really cannot figure out what he wanted, so I need to clarify.
Well, if you said he wanted the name, I have told him the tablet is called Magnesium, there is no other name.
If you said he is asking what the magnesium is for, I have told him it is for replacement of a mineral in the body (Bet I don't need to start a biology session in the ward right?)
I just couldn't think of what else related to the medicine that he wanted to know, so that question just popped up in my mind and before I know I shot the question.
But then again, saying that I am mean, think my brother is even worse. Guess what he suggested?
He said, I should just tell the man, this is "Magnesium-benzolate-chloride-N-Hydride" and that, would stop the man from questioning.
May be I should learn it from my cousin's friend who ever told the passanger on board some weird name that actually stands for some kind of vulgarities when he was being asked what is the name of some deserted island over 10000meters in height.

Speechless...

2010-03-29T12:57:00.002+08:00

I asked, "Are you feeling better?"
He replied, "I will be better if you give me a hug!"
I looked at him, pushed his wife to the front, turned and walked off.
-Sigh-
Life....

Ironic

2010-03-25T00:45:00.004+08:00

I don't mean to be mean.

Or rather, I don't mean to be sarcastic.

Yet...

Guess how much I wanna laugh when I hear that line spit out from your lips?

How ironic.

Over-Reliant

2010-03-24T00:36:00.003+08:00

Bet I have been relying on the mask at work... May be a lil' over-reliant on it.

How long has it been that I am wearing mask at work?

I think it's almost a year ever since the starting of H1N1. Well, at the beginning it was kinda suffocating, especially when I have to wear N95 when there is a patient back in the ICU days, and then the cross over the ward that I am in surgical mask is a must, there is hardly anytime that I can take off the mask except when I am getting off work.

From can't get used to it to discovering the benefit of wearing the mask.....

Somehow, for those who know me or rather, for those who bearly know me, they always think that I look very fierce when I don't smile; which the mask has actually solve this problem, with more than half of the face being covered, when my thoughts are wondering or when I am focusing when I am doing some dressings or so, I don't have the worry of looking "as though I don't like to work".

Lol.

The best part is, sometimes when you are eating or chewing something hardly anyone would notice it at all. *Naughty*

Since talking about work...

Kinda worry that I am going back to work tomorrow. Just got a mail explaining that bed situation has been really bad, some patients having to park at the A&E for days before getting a bed in the ward and it won't get any better as there are 2 wards closing down to make way to build a new building for the heart center. Now I am kinda worry that they are really serious about starting corridor beds in the ward. Just imagine all the oxygen and suction are built in wall and if anyone of the corridor patients collapsed...

OH GOD!

That is all that I can say. -Sigh-

Apparently TTSH has already started corridor beds and if this started in my place...

Think it would be kinda dead, I remember having to leave the beds at the corridor because the cleaners need to polish the room or something, there is hardly any space to move at all!

And now I know why Mr Khaw has to apologise for building the 2 new hospitals late.

Think this situation can only get worse over the next few months till the new hospitals start running.

I bet SGH can never close down their A&E the way like what TTSH ever did, as it is the largest institution in Singapore and no matter how hard it is, we would just have to take it in.

-Sigh-

只有既来之，则安之了。

愛不單行

2010-03-19T21:42:00.001+08:00

愛不單行

作詞：嚴雲農
作曲：張承濬

找不到人說心裡的寂寞
找不到人懂怕黑的折磨
找不到命中注定在一起的那個人
很多人都像我　一個人過生活

愛只有簡單筆畫　卻比想像複雜
恨安定愛變化　我愛過幾個人
也被愛過幾遍　卻還是沒能將幸福留下

愛是不可數的嗎　為何我還相信　
它不是獨行俠　我在等一個人
在等我的永恆　告訴我愛不單行別害怕

用不完身邊泛濫的自由
開始怕孤單是一種詛咒
羨慕我能飛的人為何在天黑以後
還是寧願回到　愛情那個枷鎖

愛只有簡單筆畫　卻比想像複雜
恨安定愛變化　我愛過幾個人
也被愛過幾遍　卻還是沒能將幸福留下

愛是不可數的嗎　為何我還相信　
它不是獨行俠　我在等一個人
在等我的永恆　告訴我愛不單行別害怕

愛只有簡單筆畫　卻比想像複雜
恨安定愛變化　我愛過幾個人
也被愛過幾遍　卻還是沒能將幸福留下

愛是不可數的嗎　為何我還相信　
它不是獨行俠　我在等一個人
在等我的永恆　告訴我愛不單行別害怕

我在等一個人　在等我的永恆
告訴我愛不單行相信她

*******************************************************

Heard this song one of the day when I got home from work and...

Love it.

Bad Day

2010-03-17T22:24:00.003+08:00

Bad day at work.

In fact it's not only today, yesterday as well.

I was assigned to be the IV nurse as well as to assist one of the two team leaders with changes and stuff, it was alright initially and I even managed to help my 2 team leaders to start their medication round when they are both caught up with their patients.

Who knows last minute, they ask me to take over the second team when I was just about to finish the medication round for the first team.

Now good, the team that I am supposed to take over the medicines has not be served and the best part is, I know nuts about the cases there because I was supposed to cover the IV medications for both teams so I did not listen to the full report during hand over as I was running between teams checking for the medicines timing for all the patients.

And, just right after I took over, I have 2 admissions straight away.

I swear that this is a curse... It's like no matter how impossible, it JUST happened.

Getting really notorious within my colleagues for being a jinx, hiak hiak hiak... Just like Fad Fad.

Everything changes so last minute, luckily I just have a hunch that whether is that thing gonna take place half a day later, I should still do it instead of passing it to the afternoon staff.

Still...

I screwed up with the last minute discharge.

Yet...

Positive thinking.

May be it's a blessing still...

Take it this way,

Luckily, I took the initiative to call the family.

Luckily, the relatives did not blame me for the communication breakdown.

Luckily, my IV nurse/Assistant team leader today is a very experience and helpful staff (Though she did grumble why I did not "shower properly", can't stand me always having patients who changed their mind from staying to discharging or from discharging to staying).

Thank Goodness for that.

Though work ended at almost 1730hrs, in the end the problem I screwed up was solved -Relief-.

Irritated

2010-03-15T00:16:00.002+08:00

Irritated.

Super irritated.

Was at work in the afternoon and there is this family who brought like 4 kids to come and visit one of the patients.

I can understand how one feel the need to visit their love ones when they are sick, I can also understand that it could be hard to find people to babysit their child...

But if you choose to bring the kid along, please LOOK AFTER THEM!

I was walking in and out of the room 4 times, and 4 times the kid was like playing "home run" right in front of my path, he was like a little frog, hopping to catch the toy car that he was pushing here and there.

Can I just be mean?

You know what as a matter of fact, I don't really care if I would have kicked him because honestly I won't be the one getting physically hurt nor feeling pain nor feeling heartache. May sound crude but it is the truth! I could feel sorry for kicking him by accident, but when the harm is done, does feeling of sorry help?

And not to mention that the kid was playing with our toilet call bell just prior to that, make us run in for nothing.

What's more, the sister of the kid, started pulling out gloves that we have put along the corridor for our use for those patients who needs to have contact precaution! When I stopped her she just ignore me totally! What kind of family teaching is that?

Oh man!

Why didn't the parents just take care of their kids?

-Sigh-

You know what, hospital is the filtiest place for a kid to be at. Just think, what sort of people would be in the hospital?

The ill and sick ones!

Bacteria and virus, pathogens and germs, illness and diseases, that is what a hospital is full of!

Bringing kids to the hospital?

Think about it again.

And to let them roll around on the floor?

Good luck!